This is part of an on-going series I’ll be writing to my children. See all of them here.

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have & how they became fears:

1. I fear losing the ones I love and being alone – I fear losing you, and I fear losing your Daddy. If I seem anxious around dinner time, it’s because I fear the most that your Dad won’t come home from work one night. I love him too much and can’t imagine our lives without him. I get nervous every time he leaves my sight – whether it’s to go to work, to go running, or to pick up a few things at the store. I get nightmares that he’s been in a bad car wreck and I’ve been called to come identify his body. (This started even before we lost your little sister, and has become worse.)

I also fear losing you, my child. I fear my heart just couldn’t handle that much emptiness and heartbreak again.

2. I fear being embarrassed in public. Do I have lipstick on my teeth? Please tell me and never speak of it again. I tripped over nothing? Please pretend you didn’t see. It’s a little hypocritical that I love to people watch, but please don’t watch me. It’s silly but I feel like secret eyes are watching and judging me the second I leave the house. (I also think this is one of the reasons I haven’t learned to ride a bike. How embarrassing to learn when I’m this old! What if someone saw me?)

I think this uneasiness became a fear from being so shy when I was younger. There was this awkward time in first grade when I was too shy to go to the bathroom before a recital, so consequently I peed my leotard. Everyone had video cameras for the recital, and there I was in the middle of the floor awkwardly plié-ing with wet tights. I kid you not, there was a puddle on the floor. I love your Grammy Tammy for putting up with me and cleaning that puddle up as I cried in the hallway from embarrassment.

3. I fear being stuck, without progression. It’s really hard when I’m not actively working and earning money like your Dad is. I love you, but I fear losing my hobbies and becoming 100% Mom all the time.

My sister is doing a series on her blog with 30 things she wants her kids to know about her (inspired by this list). Every time I see one of her posts, I get all emotional, thinking that it’d be nice if my kids knew these same things about me.

Well duh, Alie. Make ‘yer own list.

Here we go. Here’s the first installment of 30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me.

List 20 random facts about yourself.

1. I can’t ride a bike. (It’s true. But I hope by the time you read this I’ll know how!)
2. I backpacked through Europe before I met Dad. It was AWESOME.
3. I earned a Bachelor of Arts degree in Visual Arts: Graphic Design from Brigham Young University.
4. I am really picky about design, especially in our home and clothes. You will thank me later.
5. My dream job was always to be a zookeeper. But then I worked at a veterinary hospital in high school and realized I don’t like math and science, I just like petting fluffy dogs.
6. Even though I’m only 1/8 Greek, I have a really big Greek nose. It’s taken me years to learn to love it, so please don’t ever poke fun at it.
7. Part of me really wants to move to San Francisco or New York or London. I am just drawn to (and fascinated by) big city life.
8. I don’t like violence in movies or tv. It makes me sad when they show so many people hurt and dying, and no one even cares to stop and take care of them.
9. I feel silly and too girly when I wear heels.
10. I am a tightwad, and (besides food) feel guilty if I buy something that isn’t on sale or clearance.
11. You have a sister that died when she was a newborn baby. Her name was Amelia and your daddy and I love her very much.
12. The ring I wore on my wedding day wasn’t actually the wedding ring I wear now. Zales had a mix-up and mine was lost in the mail (!!) so they had to loan me the ring from the store window. They’re lucky the size was right!
13. I consider any drive further than a few minutes away “far”. Ideally I guess I’d love to live within walking distance of everywhere I’d ever need to go to. Maybe this is why a large city appeals to me?
14. I love mellow music.
15. I don’t have a favorite color. I love all things bright and beautiful.
16. I love Jesus.
17. I always thought your Grammy Tammy was a horrible singer, but it turns out she’s just singing the alto part. ;) I, however, am just a horrible singer. Don’t be fooled.
18. I am not a morning person AT ALL; ideally I’d sleep in til 8 or 9 every morning. So when I do get up early once a year to make you special birthday waffles, it means I really, really love you.
19. I don’t like to do the dishes, so your dad does them for me. He loves me a lot.
20. I’m quite tender-hearted and cry a lot. I’m really emotional. But please remember not all my tears are sad.