Some days being a mother is rough. But for me it’s usually not hard in the ways people think it is. I have been so blessed and in my mother’s opinion Jack is one of the easiest kids to parent. He is still a rambunctious three year old boy, but has a natural instinct to do what is right and to please others. But even as he’s growing bigger and wiser and more independent, motherhood still presents its challenges.
Mainly, that I still only have one child. It’s harder than you think it is in the Mormon culture.
I don’t relate to other mothers as easily. Our house is probably a little bit more picked up than most, because I’ve got more time on my hands right now. I actually get to read books for my own personal enjoyment on a daily basis. I can spend an hour or more fixing dinner every night, because no one is hanging on my leg. Grocery shopping isn’t so bad anymore, and now that Jack has started preschool I’m taking on all sorts of new little crafty/design projects for myself in my spare time.
It seems like a dream, right? Certainly we have our good days and bad days and aren’t exempt from the occasional tantrum or jam-packed schedule, but being a mother to just one is becoming less fulfilling than I had previously thought.
In my head I know why Jack is without a sibling right now, but that doesn’t really fix things, does it? And my beautiful, strong body is creating this baby boy inside of me as fast as it possibly can … but it hasn’t healed my soul yet like I thought it would. I’m still emotionally drained. I still get sad. I still miss her more than I can bear sometimes, and wonder if this new baby can ever truly erase my fears and doubts.
There are days when I feel unfit to be a mother at all, and wonder if I’m really making a difference. Because he’s still the only one.
I know I’ll look back on this and laugh and think how petty my problems were back then with one child, blah blah blah. You’ll tell me you miss the days when the floor was clean and you only had one hand to hold across the parking lot instead of three. I can see that, I really can. Those days are not far off in my future and three kids will be here before I know it. But be grateful, you, for those children who constantly need their noses wiped and their laundry done. It’s not until you lose one that you realize how many smiles she would have brought, and how much joy you’re missing out on.
We only grieve for that which would have been our delight. And don’t judge me but today, two kids looks awfully delightful.