This is part of an on-going series I’ll be writing to my children. See all of them here.
Describe 3 legitimate fears you have & how they became fears:
1. I fear losing the ones I love and being alone – I fear losing you, and I fear losing your Daddy. If I seem anxious around dinner time, it’s because I fear the most that your Dad won’t come home from work one night. I love him too much and can’t imagine our lives without him. I get nervous every time he leaves my sight – whether it’s to go to work, to go running, or to pick up a few things at the store. I get nightmares that he’s been in a bad car wreck and I’ve been called to come identify his body. (This started even before we lost your little sister, and has become worse.)
I also fear losing you, my child. I fear my heart just couldn’t handle that much emptiness and heartbreak again.
2. I fear being embarrassed in public. Do I have lipstick on my teeth? Please tell me and never speak of it again. I tripped over nothing? Please pretend you didn’t see. It’s a little hypocritical that I love to people watch, but please don’t watch me. It’s silly but I feel like secret eyes are watching and judging me the second I leave the house. (I also think this is one of the reasons I haven’t learned to ride a bike. How embarrassing to learn when I’m this old! What if someone saw me?)
I think this uneasiness became a fear from being so shy when I was younger. There was this awkward time in first grade when I was too shy to go to the bathroom before a recital, so consequently I peed my leotard. Everyone had video cameras for the recital, and there I was in the middle of the floor awkwardly plié-ing with wet tights. I kid you not, there was a puddle on the floor. I love your Grammy Tammy for putting up with me and cleaning that puddle up as I cried in the hallway from embarrassment.
3. I fear being stuck, without progression. It’s really hard when I’m not actively working and earning money like your Dad is. I love you, but I fear losing my hobbies and becoming 100% Mom all the time.
that ballet moment was really embarassing. i was really mad because i knew you had to pee and refused to go. i was frustrated because the whole moment could have been prevented and you refused to admit you had to go!