delighted to be

learning and growing / january 17, 2013

We’ve been sick around here for weeks and weeks, so when I started feeling even the tiniest bit better I took the chance to stretch my body with some yoga.

Jack loved it, and Tyler got a kick out of watching us.

It’s hard being a non-working, stay at home mommy. While Tyler gets lots of opportunities to progress and actually move forward through work, I have to really seek out opportunities to learn and grow. It takes quite a bit of self-discipline, too, which I have yet to master.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I know being a mother is part of it, but I refuse to let that consume me. And so the search has begun for a hobby.

Sewing isn’t that hobby. I enjoy sewing, but I don’t live for it. And I’m impatient and do a crappy job on all of my projects because of the aforementioned impatience. And I got all this cool fabric for Christmas but can’t seem to figure out what to make with it besides more pillows and ruffled dishtowels (and if Tyler came home to more pillows, he’d really think I’d lost it.)

I tried exercising as a hobby, but against logic, that just made me more stressed. Trying to get myself and a toddler out of the house and across town to the gym while fighting 8am traffic and hoping I don’t miss my class was too much. And then to come home and shower and get dressed and ready after that … I wasn’t available til 11am or later on most days, which gave me exactly one hour until Jack’s three-hour nap. So instead of the gym we go on walks through our neighborhood, which is much more relaxing and less time-consuming.

Art is something I’ve always been drawn to throughout my entire life, but I realize it’s at the lowest points in my life where I get that good, artsy vibe. And I’m scared to really feel again, because I’m not sure it’s something I can just turn on and off. I can’t just tune out now that I’ve got people to take care of. So lately I’ve been focused on channeling my happy thoughts into art, but it goes against everything I’ve taught myself for the past 24 years. Tyler thinks it would be fun to write a children’s book about a pink bunny. I’m open to the idea but don’t know where to start.

Writing is good, but I wouldn’t call it a hobby. I don’t feel productive when I’m writing. I don’t feel as if I’m changing the world and influencing people (not that this is my end goal or definition of success, because it is indeed far from that.) I don’t feel as if I’ve been productive with my afternoon when I just write. And I’m not even into book writing or anything like that, it’s just silly journaling.

I love to cook. But it’s hard to cook when you’ve got to be super diligent in watching calories to just maintain your weight. I love food and wish I could eat fancy food all day. Sundried tomato hummus with homemade pita chips, balsamic glazed bruschetta with a light drizzle of olive oil, avocado and chickpea sandwiches … (maybe my problem is with carbohydrates?!)

I guess all this being said, my main goal is to learn and grow. And I have, I recognize that. I am such a better cook and don’t have nearly the amount of mishaps in the kitchen as I used to. I know my way around a vegan pantry ten times better than I did five months ago. I am rusty, but discovered I’ve still got some art talent deep down. My definition of learning and growing just needs to change.

They don’t prepare you for that in school. They don’t prepare you for being a mom and the mediocrity that comes with it. Yesterday I was brought a pair of shoes by my two-year old and congratulated after I put them on. (“YAY!” he clapped.) My definition of learning and growing needs to change, because putting on shoes is now the learning and growing I will do. I will learn patience and perseverance and willpower through the eyes of a child all day. I just need to be okay that it isn’t textbooks and facts and essays anymore. It isn’t deadlines and coworkers and raises I’m fighting with, but rather myself.

I don’t think in this grand search for happiness that I’ll find it anywhere but inside. I’m coming to realize it’s all a confidence issue, and about being grateful and happy just where I am.

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Recipe: 100% Whole Wheat Pita Bread / january 12, 2013

I had a little anxiety while standing in Costco the other day as I read the list of ingredients on a package of pita bread. There were so many preservatives and several types of unnecessary sugars and a whole list of additives I didn’t even recognize. There must have been no less than twenty-five ingredients!

My basic rule of thumb is ten ingredients or less on prepackaged food (that’s generous!) but I usually prefer five or less. And the fresher, the better. I firmly believe the longer it lasts on the shelf (by using added preservatives and all kinds of scary magic), the harder it is on your body to digest. If it’s so fresh it’s only got a shelf-life of three days (like the freshly-baked bread we bought at the farmer’s market today), kudos! That’s where a refrigerator comes in handy. :)

Here’s my basic recipe for 100% whole wheat pita bread. [Sidenote: I grind my own wheat and store it in the refrigerator for up to two weeks. This will help preserve all the nutrients, and I find by grinding it fresh I get fluffier, lighter flour, which in turn makes fluffier, lighter bread. In a lot of cases, I can use my freshly ground wheat in place of all-purpose flour. Score!]

This recipe takes 3 hours from start to finish, but the hands-on time is only about 30 minutes. It’s perfect for an afternoon when you’re staying home.

100% Whole Wheat Pita Bread

2 1/2 tsp active dry yeast
1 tsp honey
1 1/4 cups warm water (105-115 degrees)
3 cups whole wheat flour
3 Tb vital wheat gluten*
1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1 tsp salt
cornmeal for sprinkling the baking sheet

1. Stir yeast, honey, and 1/2 cup of warm water in a large bowl. Let stand 5 minutes until foamy.
2. In another bowl, stir flour and vital wheat gluten together. Whisk 1/2 cup of this flour mixture into the yeast mixture. Cover and let stand for 45 minutes in a warm place, until doubled and bubbly.
3. Stir in oil, salt, remaining 3/4 cup of warm water, and remaining flour mixture until a dough forms.
4. If you have a mixer, knead the dough on low for 5-7 minutes (or on a floured countertop for 8-10 minutes) until a smooth, elastic dough is formed (see picture below). Cover dough in a bowl and let rise again for 1 hour.
5. Punch down dough and divide into 8 pieces, forming each into a ball. On a floured surface, flatten each into 6-7″ rounds. Transfer to baking sheets lightly sprinkled with cornmeal. Loosely cover pitas and let rest for 30 minutes.
6. Preheat oven to 500-degrees, and move rack to lower 1/3 of the oven.
7. Transfer 2 pitas at a time directly onto oven rack.* Bake until just puffed, about 2 minutes. Using tongs, flip pita and bake another minute. Cool pitas on a cooling rack. Cut in half and serve warm.

*Bob’s Red Mill is the brand I use. You can find it with the specialty flours (gluten-free, barely, etc.)
*I found that putting them directly on the oven rack created too deep of grooves and it was hard to get that “pocket” in some of the pitas. Next time, I am going to try putting them directly on a preheated cookie sheet.

I served these with The Sprouted Kitchen’s Beach Day Tuna Salad (below, from her cookbook), but I replaced the tuna with canned chickpeas. It was so tasty we didn’t have leftovers, and I wish I had made a double batch for lunches. (I may post this recipe sometime, but until then just know you’re missing out on a beautiful salad full of chickpeas, red onion, raisins, celery and parsley, smothered in a whole grain dijon mustard, lemon and olive oil dressing.)

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that box / january 6, 2013

“Tyler, I miss her,” I whispered.

The non-existent clock in our room ticked three seconds too long before a sleep-talking Tyler muttered, “…yeah.”

I let out a sigh of both relief and pain; it was nice that Tyler was asleep, but I knew I’d be facing the rest of that dark night alone.

My mind often wanders at night. Last night it wandered to the Los Gatos cemetery.

The day I buried my baby was cold. I wore Tyler’s suit jacket over the only plain, non-maternity skirt that fit in my closet. (Because as much as burying your baby sucks, it sucks even more to still look and feel and wish you were pregnant while doing so.)

I remember so vividly when Tyler carried her tiny casket from the hearse and placed it on the grave site. So tiny, so light, so unfair was that box. When you can carry your dead baby in a box as small as that, you too will feel they were too young, too small to die. Inside that box was a body that was too small to hold any memories or life experiences at all.

Forgive me my dear Amelia, for longing to have you with me, for I do know that tiny body of yours is where it should be. Your bright spirit is alive and thriving. I hope you are guiding our family from way up high.

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a choice / january 4, 2013

when i look back at pictures of that day, i often wonder what i was thinking at that very moment the shutter clicked.

i can see the tear that rolled down my cheek and collected on my chin. i can see the anguish and pain in my husband’s face because he too knew we would soon lose her.

i remember being heartbroken because it just wasn’t fair that we couldn’t keep her. and being angry because we didn’t even have a choice.

i was angry for a while about that. i was angry at god for silly things like, “why weren’t we a part of the decision if she lives or dies?” and “couldn’t you take away someone’s else’s child, someone who doesn’t want a baby anyway?”

we would have been delighted to have her in our lives. DELIGHTED.

but today i can look back and know for a fact i was wrong. i’m sorry, god, for being angry and upset. because i know we did have a choice, and before this life i accepted the responsibility and burden and JOY i’d feel to be her mother. i’m sorry i forgot about faith. i’m sorry i forgot about trials and how we need them to grow.

i’ve been reading up on our sunday school lesson for this week. it’s about the holy ghost and how we are entitled to receive revelation through the means of prayer and fasting and study. i’ve learned more about how the holy ghost is a member of the godhead, and how we – small, little, insignificant beings on this earth – are entitled to be taught through that member of the godhead. (just think for a moment about how cool that is!!)

d&c 11:13-14: verily, verily, i say unto you, i will impart unto you of my spirit, which shall enlighten your mind, which shall fill your soul with joy; and then shall ye know, or by this shall you know, all things whatsoever you desire of me, which are pertaining unto things of, in faith believing in me that you shall receive.

i really truly feel like i did have a choice. in the preexistence we now call heaven, amelia volunteered to come to earth for only a millisecond of a blink of an eye, and i volunteered to be here longer as her mother, to bear her and lose her. we both accepted the pain and suffering that went with it, but also knew there would be inexplicable joy and growth, too. obviously our knowledge is wiped clean when we come to this earth, but isn’t revelation wonderful? i know for a fact this was all part of a plan, and that i knew that plan before i came to earth and was prepared. i was so excited to get a body and just trusted in the lord that someday, all wrongs would be made right.

and as long as i keep believing that, and have faith, they will.

image by gail pomare, 2012

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