delighted to be

for the beauty of the earth / april 19, 2013

Her tiny grave marker finally came, and it’s beautiful.

I didn’t know these things took so long, but I knew I wanted to get it right. I designed it myself, and it was worth the wait.

My heart is especially heavy today, as last summer is still so vivid in my thoughts. I remember driving to cemeteries and flipping through the grave marker books thinking, this can’t be happening, not to the thriving baby girl inside of me. I remember being hesitant to pick out a design, because they aren’t us, my spirit said. Teddy bears and roses and angel illustrations just didn’t make my heart sing.

I wanted to capture the beauty and grace with which my daughter quickly entered and left this world. I wanted to beautify the earth with her legacy. I wanted it to be perfectly imperfect in the most beautiful way, just like Amelia.

To capture the imperfections, I knew I wanted to hand letter her name and not use a font. Though I don’t do calligraphy (yet), as a designer I’m pretty good at hand lettering; it’s definitely one of my biggest strengths. But after what seemed like dozens of hours, hundreds of revisions, and many, many tears, I still couldn’t get it the way I wanted it. I was close to calling it quits when I stumbled upon Anne Robin and her beautiful calligraphy work.

I worked with Anne to get the initial lettering and cursive done, and she was so kind and patient with me! I am so grateful for the beauty she brings to this world through her hand lettering, and let me tell you, that woman has a big heart. :) I ended up having to tweak it quite a bit from her original, painfully letting go of all of those beautiful thick and thin lines a calligraphy pen creates. (The thin gaps would have been too small to sandblast.)

My sweet Amelia, I hope your cemetery neighbors are nice. I know your grave marker is just an earthly thing that doesn’t matter in the big picture, but right here and right now it matters to me. This is the sacred place where we’ll meet again someday.

I hope you love how excited Jack gets to touch the flowers and spin the pinwheel he brought you. I hope you’ll forgive me for the past months you spent alone, without a visitor in sight. I hope by now that you’ve stopped counting the tears I’ve shed driving away from your little place.

I hope we helped beautify the earth, even just a little bit. I hope that to you, your marker is perfect.

8 Comments

Recipe: Cold Summer Salad / april 18, 2013

I made this for lunch today and fell in love with the flavor combinations. Even though Jack had already eaten a large lunch, after tasting a bite of mine he insisted that I get him a bowl for himself. I also served it as a side dish to tonight’s veggie burgers, and Jack ate THREE helpings (probably just shy of 1/4 cup each!).

So in lieu of today’s toddler eating successes, this recipe is definitely a keeper at our house.

I adapted it from someone that posted in an Instagram comment on someone’s feed. And now I’m like 53x removed from ever finding who to credit, so apologies!

Cold Summer Salad

I didn’t measure, but I’ll give you approximate amounts. As with all recipes, tweak it to your personal tastes. Next time I am going to try adding avocado and red bell pepper.

1 can black beans, rinsed
1 1/2 cups shelled edamame (I found it at Trader Joe’s in the freezer section), thawed
1 cup frozen corn
1/4 to 1/2 of a small red onion, finely minced
1/4 cup cilantro, finely minced
2-3 T. apple cider vinegar
2-3 T. olive oil
salt and pepper, to taste

Rinse black beans, edamame, and frozen corn in a colander under hot water, until edamame is no longer frozen. In a bowl, toss together with the red onion, cilantro, and 2 T. of apple cider and 2 T. of olive oil. Salt and pepper to taste. If you feel like it needs more dressing, add a bit more.

Serve room temperature or chilled. (It’s yummy as is, but is even better when it has a chance to marinate in the fridge for a few hours.)

2 Comments

the fight / april 18, 2013

I have been given the sweetest, most patient and humble little boy.

He’s the kind of little man that after coming inside, turns around and closes the sliding door because he knows its the right thing to do. He’s the kind of little man that tells me repeatedly, uh oh! uh oh! when he sees dozens of napkins blowing away outside Chipotle, and doesn’t let up until every last one of them is collected.

He’s the kind of little man who goes right down for nap and right down for bedtime, no questions asked. He’s the kind of little man that when bath time is over, he nods obediently, starts collecting his toys, and kindly unplugs the drain for you so you don’t have to get your long-sleeved shirt wet.

He’s the kind of little man who puts things back right where he got them, because after all, that’s the right thing to do.

So why is it so difficult to parent this little man of mine? His patient, endearing, obedient personality constantly makes me wonder, am I doing enough?

Does he need preschool this year? Am I socializing him enough? Is he around enough adults? Should he take a tumbling class? Should I be concerned he doesn’t know his colors yet? And his speech is behind – what did I do wrong to cause that?

Sometimes my tender heart gets too tired to fight and just gives in. Sometimes this little heart of mine can’t handle the anxieties and fears and pains associated with being a mama, and lingers dangerously close to Satan’s grasp. He’s trying to make me feel like a failure of a mother, and sometimes I feel like it’s working. He’s using lies and deceit and comparisons to get to me. The dude puts up a tough fight.

But Satan, I AM STRONGER than you are and I AM DOING PLENTY OF GOOD. I know you can’t compare apples to oranges, so don’t you try to deceive me. I know my faith might be teeny tiny like a mustard seed, but I’ve got a Father in Heaven who graciously helps me where I fall short.

That little boy of mine? I was meant to be his mama, and I’m going to love and support that kid throughout his entire life.

That little boy is my world, and I won’t let you ever, ever take him from me.

4 Comments

Recipe: Avocado Fudgsicles / april 16, 2013

Avocados are in full-swing right now at our farmer’s market. I picked up a couple last week, but never ended up using them in their intended recipes. So in the fridge they sat, until I remembered something crazy that I’d pinned a few weeks ago: fudgsicles made out of avocado, cocoa, and agave. Too good to be true, right?

Jack helped me whip up a quick batch in our mini food processor and for a kid who doesn’t eat avocados, he was more excited than I was. More than four times I caught him sneaking a lick from the batter when my back was turned! It was all over his arms, hair, hands and face by the time the batter made it into our molds. :) The texture of this is thick, silky and smooth, and you don’t even taste the avocado.

I’ve made a couple of notes for you below, in hopes that yours turn out as successfully as ours did!

Avocado Fudgsicles

from what vegan kids eat

2 Avocados
1/4 c. unsweetened cocoa powder
scant 1/4c. agave

Blend in mini food processor or blender until smooth. Scoop into silicone popsicle molds, or small dixie cups with popsicle sticks. (I put them in our solid Ikea popsicle molds, but the batter is so thick I couldn’t get them out afterward in once piece. We ended up scooping it out and turning it into “ice cream”, which was actually less messy for us to eat. Win-win. Next time we’ll do dixie cups and peel them off when the fudgsicles are frozen for real popsicles.)

^^the kid was in tears when he discovered it was all gone! #toddlerproblems

1 Comment

« Previous Page — Next Page »