image by gail pomare

The days are getting darker. I don’t even consciously think about her, but it’s quite apparent that my body and brain and soul are inextricably connected to Amelia Lynn.

I keep getting a voice in my head. It’s gentle, but firm: stop listening to your fears and begin to trust in the Lord. I often ponder on Elder Holland’s talk this past April, about first affirming your faith, to “hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes.” I’ve taken the first step in squashing those fears by seeking for blessings and mercies given unto me; essentially affirming the good that I already know. I’m writing them down, I’m pondering them deep in my broken heart. I’m hoping all that is bright and delightful and good will radiate from within me and further heal my soul.

He also tells us it’s okay to ask for help. How fortunate I am that God can – and will – send help from both sides of the veil to strengthen my belief. This, undoubtedly, is why I’ve felt her so close lately.

We are interwoven, she and I, and this flustered mortal brain of mine can’t seem to make sense of it all. As we approach the year mark this next week, I seek for rest. I seek a deeper, perpetual relief from the burdens that weigh heavy on my mind, a relief from the anxieties that plague my soul of all that could go wrong.

I almost forget what it’s like to be light and free, to have one’s path unobscured and unhindered by anxiety. It must be nice to not know. It must be nice to have your eyes unopened to the dangers and afflictions, to think once again that the world is a forgiving place. I know it’s possible for things to be good and whole and right again. So today, Lord, I believe; please help thou mine unbelief.

These days, I can’t help but shed a tear or two throughout the day when I think of her face. She’s been pushed aside for far too long. I smelled her last week and I know I sound crazy, but she’s been so close lately.

These days, I can’t tell you I’m content anymore with our tiny family of three like I’ve grown to be over the past year. It’s time for us to grow, but I’ve got a lot of anxiety. (Breathe, Alie. It’s normal.)

These days, I crave water with lemon; I’ve never liked water with lemon before. I feel so sophisticated.

These days, I want desperately what some of my dearest friends have. I know it’s hard being 8 1/2 months pregnant or spending every waking (and sleeping!) moment caring for a newborn, but think of that tiny, healthy little spirit that was sent to your family. It’s amazing how much our Heavenly Father trusts us.

These days, I long to live within a few miles of the beach. I crave the sticky sand between my toes, and the clarity that has always come to me from listening to the tide.

These days, I’ve discovered my skin’s favorite moisturizer is straight-up coconut oil. (Apologies if I smell like paradise.)

These days, I’m excited for Hawaii. Soon, I’ll get an entire week of much-needed one-on-one time with my best friend. I’m excited to hold his hand without a toddler thinking we’ve made a tunnel just for him. ;)

These days, I envy that Tyler gets to be so submersed in work. I wish I had more of a distraction.

These days, I keep thinking about the kind (& get this – lds!) family we met at the cemetery on Sunday. They lost their infant son not so long ago too, and yet they looked so happy. How do I get to that place?

These days, I have more down days than up days. I try to tell myself there’s no reason for it, but who am I kidding? How do other people do this?!