delighted to be » baby amelia

second chances / october 2, 2013

sleeping

My heart is bursting with joy right now. The only thing I can think to compare it to is Alma, when he said, “…yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain! Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.” (Alma 36:20-21)

My heart and soul is full of love and longing and indescribable joy today.

We just received news that one of Amelia’s heart valves was shipped to a hospital in Georgia for transplantation.

My sweet Amelia Lynn is giving someone a second chance at life!! My day just got infinitely better and I can’t stop grinning from ear to ear. The tears are freely flowing down my face with gratitude and the calm reassurance that she is always closer than I think she is.

I’m finally crying tears of joy, and not pain. I can feel her warm arms around me, reassuring me she’s always been here all along.

This entire mortal experience I’ve had over the past year and a half has been brutal. It’s been relentless and more unforgiving than I ever imagined. But days like today, where my soul is brimming with joy at another baby’s second chance at experiencing this beautiful earth makes it all worth it.

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realizations / september 24, 2013

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Recently I met a family not unlike our own. Well, what we would have been had things gone differently last summer.

I know I can’t change how things ended up, and knowing what I know now and who I am, I wouldn’t. But there was always that little speck of hope inside of me at every ultrasound that they’d find the missing pieces, that they’d know how to fix her. But “surprise! your daughter is healthy and well!” never came.

This family we met have a just-turned-three year old and an almost one-year old, piercingly similar to what we would have been as a family right now. We too would have been chasing a spunky baby away from the fire all night. The babies would have eaten wood chips together and been tossed in the air by their daddies, gleefully smiling and giggling the whole time.

A year ago, even six months ago, I’m ashamed to say I wouldn’t have given these new friends the time of day. It was too painful, too harsh of a reminder of what we could have been, what we could have had.

Last night, I talked and laughed with them. And though the sting of loss was still there deep inside, my heart for once wasn’t empty. My throat wasn’t dry and the jealousy was gone. The realization came to me that they have the most beautiful family, but so do we. Our family is just as it should and was always meant to be.

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Celebrating Amelia’s First “Birthday” / august 28, 2013

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Yesterday, for Amelia’s “birthday”, we went on a family adventure to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. (Thank you, Epsons, for letting us borrow your guest passes for the day!) We even took (tiny) Bunny Amelia along for the ride.

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This wave tunnel is one of my favorites. I could stand here for hours, and it turns out that Jack felt the same way. :)

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We walked a few blocks down the street for lunch at a vegan Mexican food place. I have to be honest and say I wasn’t too impressed (I’d give it three stars). But here’s probably why: I feel like there are two kinds of non-meat-eaters in the world – vegans, and plant-based dieters. I think we associate ourselves with the latter. Vegans tend to eat fake meat that’s spelled wrong (chik’n nuggets, buffalo chik’n, bac’n, etc.), and daiya cheese (which doesn’t even taste like cheese!) Plant-based eaters tend to make veggies, beans and whole grains the star, and occasionally eat meat substitutes like tofu. This vegan Mexican food joint was vegan in every sense of the word. Although, to give them credit where my tastebuds differ, I think my burrito would have been better had I omitted the daiya cheese.

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We really loved all of the jellyfish at the aquarium.

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Tyler was the one with the brilliant idea of bringing Bunny Amelia along. Jack loved showing her everything he did, and I have to say that she was the better behaved out of our two children… ;) This will hopefully be a new tradition, bringing Bunny Amelia on a birthday adventure every year. Kind of like a traveling “flat Stanley”.

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Later that evening, we stopped by Amelia’s little space to say hello. (And we aren’t certain who to thank, but we appreciate whoever dropped by earlier with flowers for her!)

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And – per Jones family tradition – we ate a celebratory first birthday dinner at In-N-Out, complete with a strawberry milkshake. (Because obviously that’s what Amelia would have wanted, right?)

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Our day ended with Jack tucking Bunny Amelia into bed. He is so sweet and reverent to her.

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happy birthday, baby girl! / august 27, 2013

My dear sweet baby Amelia,

I feel like you’ve been a part of me for ages, but then all of a sudden you’ve been gone for twice as long. In my heart I know your spirit is all grown up, but please forgive me because to me, you’ll always be that broad-shouldered newborn with a kitten squeak.

When the doctor plopped you on my chest, I remember not recognizing you. Forgive me, Amelia, but you were far more beautiful than I’d imagined you would be. Then they whisked you away and I was left with fragmented memories of your gentle face. I couldn’t picture you anymore, and who could say you were really mine? If that would have been it and you had returned home again to your Heavenly Father, what sorrow I would have felt at never really knowing you.

But you came back to me – you always have in one way or another. I was blessed with two perfect days to see your face, to see your chest move up and down as you lived and breathed on this beautiful earth. I just wish you could have seen the way we admired you, Amelia. I wish you could have even caught the littlest glimpse of the way you brought complete strangers to tears because of your strength and spirit.

I remember when it was time to bring you home. I was frightened about the reality of losing you, and spent those precious moments walking a delicate balance of anxiety and joy that you were still with us.

I struggled the most when you crossed the threshold into our home, for I knew we had entered sacred ground. You were home, with us, for the last time here on earth. I was heartbroken but understanding that though we had brought you to our home, it wasn’t your home. You died in our arms just twelve hours later.

It was really hard for me after you left us. Things got dark, and I couldn’t see the sun right in front of my eyes. There were so many ‘should have been’s and I found myself drowning in your memories. I tried the “fake it til you make it” for a while until my world began to crumble beneath me and I couldn’t find solid ground.

It took me several days to really cry for you, and then one night I just lost it. I screamed out in pain and your Daddy just held me tight. I didn’t realize how severe the pain of empty arms could be. You were there, and then all of a sudden you weren’t, and I couldn’t make sense of it.

It’s been a long year, Amelia. I miss you more than I feel like I can bear sometimes, but I know you’re close. I know you’re watching over us as a family, in anxious anticipation to greet us again. There’s so much that extends beyond my mortal comprehension, but I know things are as they were always meant to be.

Happy birthday, my sweet baby girl. May you always know how much we love and miss you.

xoxo, Mama

I’ve compiled some of my favorite images from our short hospital stay last year. Most images (meaning 99% of them) are by the talented Gail Pomare. Gail, we were beyond blessed to have you with us at the hospital!

(more…)

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