delighted to be » baby amelia

Fear / june 7, 2012

26 weeks pregnant with baby Amelia. Please forgive me; I’m a little emotional this week.

I’ve been fearful lately. As Amelia’s due date approaches (still months away) my nerves are getting the best of me. The uncertainty that comes with having a baby is now multiplied by tens of thousands.

This time around I’m not worried about crib mattresses and feeding schedules and tiny baby shoes. I’m worried about picking out a casket and if she will live through birth and what the one outfit she’ll get to wear will be.

It’s downright terrifying. I don’t know how to put it except that no mother should ever have to go through something like this. (But unfortunately, so many already have.)

There are so many “what-ifs” involved in a situation like this. You just don’t know. Will she live to be three or four days old like some of the stories I’ve read? If so, we’ll need a few outfits for her, and if Jack’s not out of his crib yet, I don’t know where she’s going to sleep here at home. We don’t even own an infant carseat anymore to take her home from the hospital.

But what if she doesn’t even make it through birth? Or until birth? I had a little scare the other night when I couldn’t feel her move for hours and hours at a time. At 3am I laid in bed crying and praying with all my might to Heavenly Father to just give me a little more time with her. I’m not ready to let go of her just yet. She and I have big plans for these next two months.

I got to see her again on an ultrasound yesterday. She’s got beautiful legs and the cutest little toes. I’m so grateful for every day I get to spend with her, kicking inside of me.

You’re a fighter, you know that Amelia? You are much stronger and braver than me. And I know you’re good buddies with our brother, Jesus Christ, and that he’s anxious to get you home again. You’re going to change people’s lives up there in heaven, and do such important work. I know it’s much better up there, but I hope you’ll stay a while longer with your family down here on earth. Not my will, but thine, be done; we understand that. But we’re just starting to get to know you, and want you to know with or without you here, our love for you grows more and more everyday.

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Thanks Be to God / may 31, 2012

Oh heavens. How am I supposed to keep it together today when I receive this inspirational quote in my inbox?!

“Our spirits existed in the premortal realm and will continue to live after the body dies. The spirit provides the body with animation and personality. In this life and in the next, spirit and body, when joined together, become a living soul of supernal worth. Because one’s spirit is so important, its development is of eternal consequence. It is strengthened as we communicate in humble prayer with our loving Heavenly Father.” – Elder Russell M. Nelson

Love you, baby Amelia. Even with all of your exuberant kicks and punches and shenanigans to my insides last night.

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O My Father / may 3, 2012

Often people ask how I’m doing. I will be honest upfront in telling you I have about an equal amount of good days and bad days. Monday morning Tyler left for work, and unpacking in a new house kept me busy. The sun was out and I had plenty to do.

But Tuesday morning rolled around and I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I felt sad and depressed and lonely. We didn’t have a working computer yet and I wanted so desperately to blog. Most of the day, I wasn’t sad about our situation in particular, I was just sad. But when Tyler got home and Jack was tucked into bed, I began to sob uncontrollably on the couch. Being the kindhearted man he is, Tyler dropped everything and wrapped his arms around me tightly, just holding me on the couch. He told me how proud of me he is, and how deeply he loves and cares for me. He told me he is sorry I have to go through this.

But we both know deep down we’re not sorry at all. This trial has brought so many blessings to our family already, and I feel so much closer to the Lord because of it. He knows what we’re going through, and knows we can handle this. He’s felt the pain before and experienced it, for he too has experienced loss and the pain of losing a child.

It’s not easy to stay positive, but so many people have far more difficult trials than we do. I feel grateful for the time I get to spend with Amelia now, and I know I’ll be her mother in heaven someday. You know that hymn, “O My Father“? Since I found out I was pregnant, coincidentally (or not?) that hymn has been sung many, many times at church. I’ve never paid much attention to the words before, but since January the lines,

“In the heav’ns are parents single? No, the thought makes reason stare! Truth is reason; truth eternal, Tells me I’ve a mother there.“

have brought tears to my eyes. I can still barely contain myself when I hear it. I have felt like I really resonated with that verse, but I didn’t know why so I chocked it up to what we all blame it on: pregnancy hormones. But now I get it, and it brings an overwhelming peace to my heart knowing that I will have one more (perfect!) little baby to raise in heaven one day.

Eliza R. Snow, the second Relief Society president wrote that hymn. For whatever reason, she never had children in this life – an trial even more difficult than mine. Yet, she stayed so positive, testifying powerfully of Christ and optimism:

I will go forward. I will smile at the rage of the tempest, and ride fearlessly and triumphantly across the boisterous ocean of circumstance… and ‘the testimony of Jesus’ will light up a lamp that will guide my vision through the portals of immortality, and communicate to my understanding the glories of the Celestial kingdom.

May we ever be like Eliza, moving forward with a hope and surety of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

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San Jose / may 3, 2012

Well, it finally happened. We moved to San Jose. This past week was busy busy busy unloading all of the boxes, but we are finally all settled and I don’t see any boxes in sight! (Okay. Just the one in the corner of our office, but give us a break, okay?)

It’s been a good move, and has given me time to clear my mind a bit. I love being in a house. We have space (i.e. a garage and a backyard and an extra bedroom) I never dreamed we’d have. Jack is able to play in his room (door open, of course) and wander our house freely without me. He’s slowly, slowly becoming more independent, but throughout all of this it’s nice to know he still loves his mama. When he’s awake he loves to be close to me.

I’ve already had so many blessings come into my life this past week. Yesterday my Aunt Lori, my cousin Hannah, and my Grandma drove two-and-a-half hours each way just to come see me for four hours. No one has ever done that for me before, and I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful family. They took me out to lunch, played with Jack, and helped me unpack those last few boxes in my kitchen. (A few days ago I started to unpack a box and came across all our our glass baby bottles, right there on the top. Tears came to my eyes and made their way down my face and I had to stop. Unpacking and repacking baby things has been hard – it’s not easy to put them into deep storage in the garage instead of in my kitchen. Lori and Hannah graciously took care of all the baby things for me, which helped a lot.)

I was able to go to a playgroup for church at the park this morning where I met several new friends. Everyone was very kind, but I’ll admit it’s a little awkward at first. How do you tell people such horrible news? “This is Jack, and he’s 18 months old. And yes, I am pregnant! We’re having a little girl and she’s due in September. But we just found out two weeks ago she won’t live past birth.”

Basically it goes just like that. It doesn’t get any less awkward the more people you tell. I think most people are shocked that I don’t burst into tears right on the spot. But once the initial shock of the news wore off, it does get easier to talk about the situation.

We don’t go telling strangers about Amelia, but people at church deserve to know; they are my new friends and our family’s support group. I am overflowing with gratitude in my heart today for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the divine way it is organized here on the earth. I know I will never be alone because anywhere I go (in this case, San Jose) I have the loving support of my sisters in Relief Society. How blessed I am to have kind, loving people who genuinely care about me and my well-being.

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