delighted to be » baby amelia

blessed / august 10, 2012

Lately I’ve felt so blessed.

Blessed with the most wonderful, easy toddler who judging by his face,doesn’t quite understand why I’m crying but will give me a hug and try to make me smile anyway.

Blessed with dear friends who I’ve only known for a few short months but still graciously babysit Jack when we have an appointment at the hospital. Or will bring over jamba juice in her pajamas, because I haven’t gotten dressed yet for the day either.

Blessed with the ability to carry a child. To feel her strong kicks and punches and hiccups, and know that for now, she is alive and thriving. Because of me.

Blessed with a wonderful, compassionate, empathetic husband who will draw up a hot bath for me even though it’s 10:30pm and will just hold me when I burst into tears in the middle of the kitchen because I was too overwhelmed to cook dinner. Somehow he is okay with this day after day after day.

Blessed with loving parents and in-laws, who care so deeply for our little family and wish more than anything that they could take this pain away from their children.

Blessed with a supportive church community of women. It’s like having more sisters and mothers and grandmothers than I could ever ask for, all who are willing to help and comfort and give service to our family as needed.

Blessed with dozens of emails and blog comments that are exactly what I needed to hear that day. Blessed (and surprised!) that so many have reached out.

Blessed with a beautiful home, that though it is often messy and the dishes are left undone, gives our family a sacred, safe place to grow closer to one another.

Blessed with the ability to write my feelings and share them with others.

Blessed with the gospel of Jesus Christ, and the knowledge I have of eternal families. I don’t know all the details, but someday, somehow, I will be with Amelia again. She will be waiting for me to come home, bursting with love and open arms.

4 Comments

tv & anencephaly / august 6, 2012

I’ve heard from a few people that we should watch the season finale of Private Practice. This isn’t a show I’ve ever seen, but if I understand correctly they are OB-GYNs and the last episode deals with a girl having an anencephalic baby. Again, I’ve never seen the show before but I just recently read a statistic that 90 to 98% of anenecephalic babies are aborted, and it breaks my heart. I understand why it’s the right choice for some people, but if you’d like a little bit of insight as to why we didn’t choose abortion, watch this clip. It’s two minutes and will give you the teeniest glimpse as to what is going on in my head right now.

I have watched this clip over and over again since we saw it last night. It’s exactly how I feel, and almost too real. I’d also like to point out that the girl having the baby is named Amelia. And in the end, she chose organ donation like us. I know it’s just a TV show, but we had never heard of it until last night. It’s a strange coincidence, no? It sure made for lots and lots of tears and cuddling on the couch, anticipating what will change our lives in the next few weeks.

If you’d like to watch the entire episode, it’s really good. It’s free on Hulu – click here. The episode starts with her going into labor, giving birth, and ending with organ donation. I think they did a nice job with such a sensitive subject. It wasn’t easy for Tyler and I to watch (have a box of tissues handy!) but gave us an idea of what to expect three weeks from now.

4 Comments

speculations / july 31, 2012

I’ve got lots of time to think. And when I close my eyes, it just gets worse. I picture Amelia’s birth and her death and her little graveside memorial. I think about it, dream about it, and talk about it. It’s an awful plague I can’t seem to escape.

I can’t judge. I won’t judge.

But I’ll speculate.

Is it worse to know your baby is going to die, or is it worse to be unprepared? It’s like the band-aid on a hairy arm getting ripped off in one fell (excruciatingly painful) swoop versus being pulled off bit by bit, agonizingly slow and steady. There isn’t a worse or a better. Both are difficult, painful situations. But at least the hairy arm was prepared for it, toughened up by the elements. I feel like my band-aid was placed on the most delicate, bruised and unweathered skin.

One is over and done with; a cleaner break. The other is drawn out over the course of what seems like eternity, taunting the victim here and there a little. But both have baggage. I know the latter, and Tyler knows the previous (and the latter). Which is better, and which is worse?

5 Comments

Linked / july 26, 2012

“It’s now known that cells from a developing fetus cross the placenta, allowing the baby’s DNA to become part of the mother’s body. These fetal cells persist in a woman’s body into her old age…This is true even if the baby she carried didn’t live to be born. The cells of that child stay with her, resonating in ways that mothers have known intuitively throughout time.” – excerpt from lauragraceweldon.com (it’s worth the really quick read and explains it in “normal people” terms)

My dear friend Janeese sent me an article explaining that mothers carry their children’s DNA forever. Isn’t that neat? It gets better – Amelia and I both have Jack’s DNA, and the rest of our children will have (both Jack and) Amelia’s DNA.

It’s really comforting to know that physically, not just spiritually, a part of Amelia will be with me forever. And a part of her will be with the rest of our children. The way God has scientifically created our bodies just blows me away!

6 Comments

« Previous Page — Next Page »