I was elated to receive this 4lb 14oz pink bunny in the mail yesterday. It’s identical to the one we gave Amelia at the hospital, only larger, with a necklace similar to mine. I couldn’t hold back the tears from streaming down my face as I took it out of the box and cradled it in my arms.

It’s a little bit childish and silly, I know. I had never heard of “weighted bears” until a couple months ago. They are made for parents who have lost babies, and are made to be the same weight as their baby was (in our case, just shy of 5 pounds). It’s meant to be held and snuggled as a reminder of what it felt like to hold your baby in your arms. I didn’t anticipate how difficult it would be to have empty arms after Amelia died. I can’t properly explain in words how badly my arms physically ached to hold her body again in those weeks afterwards.

I kind of wanted a bear, but the waiting lists for organizations who make them are years long (!!) so I discarded the thought. I posted something about it on facebook, and a friend from high school offered to make me one that matched Amelia’s bunny (!!). She even included a teeny heart inside (like they do in Build-a-Bear), which is a good reminder that Amelia was able to donate heart valves. I am deeply grateful to you, Lily. I don’t think I would have had the courage to make one myself.

My heart is overflowing with love. It’s almost like holding her tiny body again. Almost. The closest I’ll ever get.

Jack is baby-hungry. (I am too, a bit.) So when he held his arms out to hold “the baby”, my heart just melted all over the floor. Squeeze the bunny tight, Jack, and remember her.