A few nights ago at a relief society activity I was able to hear a woman share at length her experiences with mental illness (specifically depression and anxiety), and her daily struggles to keep it under control. This is the second time in two years I have inadvertently been counseled on the subject, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence.
I realize now how selfish I used to be, and how quick I was to judge myself and others. I have grown and been blessed in countless ways, and I want to share a sliver of that journey here. Lest you think I’m crazy, I assure you I am not. :)
When I was seventeen, I was pulled out of school and out-patient hospitalized in San Diego for almost two weeks for depression. I’d been up and down for two years, walking on a thin line of unbalanced emotions. Depression and anxiety are hereditary, so this didn’t come as much of a shock to my mother, but I was the first in the family to experience it this deeply. We’d already tried medications and therapy and church. I had many friends and the occasional boyfriend even, but I still had clouded, negative feelings about life and it was getting worse. A couple of weeks into my senior years of high school, something triggered and I lost it.
I was always a really good student, but we dropped my AP statistics and AP English classes so I could focus on healing myself. (In retrospect, this was a great idea and though I wasn’t challenged in my classes, I don’t regret it.) After my outpatient therapy, I was put on a new medication that seemed to numb my thoughts (I now know this is a sign that my dose was much too high), and put me in this grey area of no feelings at all. In turn, this only contributed to my depression, which continued for several more years through the age of 22.
Most people would never guess that I’ve struggled with depression for the latter part of my life. It’s strange even to me that after eight years, I am able to cope with depression and hide its ill effects almost flawlessly. I struggled with depression, anxiety, and frequent panic attacks until my second year of marriage. There were many late nights that I’m sure made Tyler second guess his commitment to me. But I soon discovered I had married the most kind & patient man who loved me unconditionally, and with that realization my gratitude began to grow.
I don’t know why or how my depression went away, but I count my blessings every day that I have me under control again. It should have all resurfaced because of the past year’s events, but it didn’t. I should have lost it completely, but I didn’t.
My family was nervous, and all feared how I would deal with it. I know they all called each other in panic that I hadn’t answered the phone in two days, or questioned one another about my latest post that seemed sort of sad. Should she go back on medication as a preventative measure? Is she lying when she tells me she’s doing fine? I, too, feared how I would deal with our given circumstance. Yes, I am heartbroken I lost my daughter. Yes, I have shed more tears than I thought I could bear. But it didn’t break me like it would have in the past.
I am still me, and I’m still sad sometimes. I won’t wear anything but waterproof mascara because you just never know when the tears are going to come. So though I am still going through a grieving process, it has somehow never been more than I can handle.
My outlook on life has drastically changed, and I give my Savior credit for that. My life is far from what I imagined it would be, but I now see it is full of sunshine and brighter days ahead. He will never be able to take all of our pain and suffering away, and I wouldn’t want him to. Trials are such a blessing in our lives that force us to grow and mature. They suck, and frankly, no one wants them. It’s nearly impossible to see anything but failures and hardships when you’re depressed. But through prayer and developing a deep relationship with our Savior, we can be guided and lifted through, and become a better version of ourselves. Isn’t that what we’re striving for?
As I keep learning more and more about the gospel and the atonement of Jesus Christ, I feel more and more blessed and delighted to just simple be. We have bodies and spirits that are patterned after God, and that are able to develop strong relationships with others in this life and in the next. By feeling sorrow and heartbreak and anger, we have the ability to feel love and peace and joy.
It’s fascinating, isn’t it? We have feelings. We have the ability to feel emotions and to think for ourselves. We have a choice.
I wouldn’t go back and change the past eight years. Depression was a key experience I needed at that time. It helped me to excel in several areas of my life, such as art, writing, and music.
It’s been almost six months since we lost Amelia, and almost a year since we found out. Time is healing. My internal fight and struggles would have been deeper and darker and seemingly inescapable had my attitude not changed. Thank goodness for a changed me, for gratitude and a thankful heart that helps me to see every day blessings.
Note that I’m not at all trying to advocate that things like “be more faithful and active in church” or “lose yourself in service” will help with depression; they’re not bad things but it didn’t help me one bit. I know firsthand that a strong personal relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ helps immensely. But it ultimately takes a combination of attitude, change of environment/support, and sometimes medication to begin healing.
