(wish I knew who to give credit to for the above image!)
I haven’t been myself lately.
That phrase alone sounds so cliché but I don’t know how else to describe pregnancy other than “it sucks the life right out of me”. I really just never feel like doing much the entire nine months.
Give me the remote control and Netflix. Or give me my kindle preloaded with a juicy romance novel. And give me some ice water and something crunchy to snack on while you’re at it, please. I’ll be right here on the couch supervising the three-year old train-track building.
I think I’ve mentioned this before with my last pregnancy, how all of my hobbies get thrown out the window and I lose my sense of identity. I look at myself, my beautiful pregnant self, in the mirror each day and think, Who am I without my love of cooking? Why don’t I get excited to read cookbooks and make dinner for friends and host picnic playdates anymore? Where did my love of DIY and sewing projects go? Who is this mother who all of a sudden has zero energy to even take her one child outside of the house?!
Why is it so dang difficultto do the most ordinary tasks when I’m growing a child in my belly? You’d think I’d have it down by the third pregnancy and know how to just suck it up. But it’s literally a day-to-day struggle of, “who is this swollen-footed sloth that has replaced me?”
It’s emotionally exhausting and depressing for me. It’s like I know I am capable of so much more but yet find myself consistently underperforming again and again and again.
And lest you think it’s just the tail-end of pregnancy that I’m feeling this way, it’s not. I get a little spurt of energy in the middle trimester (I joined a preschool rotation! We went to Sea World several times! I decorated a nursery!) but that’s just it – it’s a spurt of energy. On an everyday basis the entire nine months I still find myself struggling to love the things I used to. I have to abandon the things that make me who I am for almost an entire year.
It’s kind of soul-crushing, really.
BUT! Soon I’ll be myself again. A different version of myself (new & improved with two kids in tow!), but I’ll certainly be more me. And hallelujah for that. :)
I just want to let you know- I love reading
your blog- I really enjoy it- I love they way
you write. I can’t even imagine what you
have gone through with little Amelia. I
think you are a very strong mama! Everytime
I read a new entry- I feel inspired- I lnow this
may be a little strange and I don’t even know
you- but I came across you on facebook
one of my friends liked your status and you
had your blog info and I read it… I live in
Bakersfield, Ca and I have for Kids and
another on the way Hopefully june 28th he will
be here! I’m also a member of the Church
of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints- Anyway
I just wanted to tell you that I really really
enjoy reading your blog! I love the pics of
your baby’s nursery( very adorable) your so
talented- I just wanted to say hello to you
Wendy
Thank you so much, Wendy! That means a lot to me. :) Good luck with your fifth soon!!
Thanks! I can’t wait to read more of your
blog!!
Wendy Good Luck with baby Owen!
Oh Alie! I remember those days! Pregnancy is so miserable! I don’t know how you’ve survived three so close together. I am definitely not ready to be pregnant again any time soon. Thank goodness for these sweet little spirits that help us forget a little of the misery of it all. It’s hard to lose so much of yourself when you’re pregnant. Lately I’ve heard several people say that the hardest part of having kids is pregnancy. Can’t wait to see that cute little munchkin out of your tummy!!!
Jen, I always always wish I could reach through the computer screen and give you a big hug. :)
hi there- i wrote you a few days ago and insee that
there are 3 comments about your recent
post and I can’t read any of them.. anyway i
really would like to or you could write me at
pwzfordham03@hotmail.com
thanks so much
Wendy
ahhh nevermind- i can now- sorry
Wendy
:) Glad it fixed.