It’s odd this pregnancy, having a healthy baby in my belly. It’s odd to pick out more than one outfit, and just knowing I’ll need to buy burp cloths and a new changing pad and a crib both overwhelms and excites me. I’m not used to planning for a baby anymore.

With Amelia, I went against my instinct, against whatever the little wiggles and movements inside my belly said. “I’m here, I’m alive“, she said, but I knew there would be no nursery. I would never get those late-night diaper changes or nursing moments. So naturally, I blocked it all out and mentally prepared to birth her and move on.

But now it’s strange and new and exciting to grow this baby boy, knowing he’s going to live. I get to be his mama and to raise him – I finally get everything I missed out on last time. I thought it’d be double the excitement (and I’m sure it will be when I’m closer to the birth) but right now I’m honestly so much in a state of shock still. You mean I get to keep him? Really, truly? Am I really prepared for this?

(The answer today is wholeheartedly YES. Plop this baby in my arms, please. Tomorrow my answer might change with the weather.)