My heart has been so empty lately as I try to push aside thoughts of last summer. I shouldn’t forget her, but I fear it’s the only way to cope.
From the outside, it seems so silly to dwell on a loss this long. Let me kindly put the words in your mouth for you: she was just a baby and she didn’t live. Get over it already and have more kids. What has it been, almost a year?!
I’ve been there, on the outside. You bring meals and give hugs and wish you knew how to take their pain away. But you give your condolences and move on. Real life sets in as soon as you get in the car and drive away.
The only problem is, when you’re on the inside, this is real life. Your world is all of a sudden joyful and empty at the same time.
It’s really, really hard to push every ounce of pain out of my heart, because to me she wasn’t just a baby. She came home to live with our family. She joined us at the dinner table and slept in our bed. She had a beautiful dress and was given a name and a blessing by her Daddy and is on the records of the Church. She’s got a Christmas stocking and newborn clothes and a little lock of blonde hair for her baby book. She was here, and it was so real.
The hardest part is that no one else but us will ever see just how much she was a part of our earthly family. Because I’ve been there, and on the outside, she was just another baby that died.
From the outside, it doesn’t seem like you are dwelling at all. It is also obvious that you haven’t forgotten her. She’s a big part (not all) of your life and I think you are going along beautifully.
From the outside, it doesn’t seem like you are dwelling at all. It is also obvious that you haven’t forgotten her. She’s a big part (not all) of your life and I think you are going along beautifully.
I’ve never been blessed with a child of my own so I don’t know how this kind of love feels. But I do have a family whom I love very much and if Miguel, my husband, were to be taken away from me I don’t know how I’d deal with it either. We aren’t given timelines to the end of a relationship. We live each day, hopefully, full of love and enjoying their presence. And even though we have a promise of eternal life, I think, it doesn’t make the pain any less real.
It is no one’s place to tell you that you are dwelling on anything. Life is to be lived by any means possible. Sometimes that means thinking about the past.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You are a beautiful woman and I admire you.
One of my favorite sayings in the title of a little pamphlet written by one of the general authorities that was passed out on mother’s day many years ago, it was simply,”Mother, your best is good enough.” Not only do I think you are doing fine, but that you are doing your very best and it is good enough. Don’t second guess your feelings.
She’s not just a baby. She is YOUR baby. YOUR little angel baby. It’s okay to be sad and miss her… she’s your beautiful baby. Many of us miss her too.