I hate to admit this, but lately I’ve been really struggling with this whole stay-at-home-mom thing. There’s very little glory in being a mother, and a whole lot of gore. And I don’t feel like I’m spending my days wisely, because what have I got to show for it? A (mostly) clutter-free house, a basket of folded laundry yet to be put away, and a toddler who is still living and breathing? Great, I can keep a house relatively clean and tiny human being from the knife drawer.
Our kitchen soap dispenser broke on Sunday. So today, we headed over to Target to buy a new one. Such is my daily life, curling my hair to go to Target.
I’ve thought about going back to work, but I really struggle with that as well. When my kids look back twenty years from now, I don’t want them to think fondly of their babysitter. I don’t want them to think about how absent I was from their childhood and how I put a career first. (Granted, if we financially really needed me to go back to work, that’s a different story.) But I also don’t want my kids looking back twenty years from now and saying, “Look at all that Dad accomplished in his career! Mom, what did you do?” Is there a happy-medium to be found?
The (inaccurate) quote by C. S. Lewis has been floating around the internet these days: “The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only – and that is to support the ultimate career.” That’s great, but career? I wouldn’t exactly call making oatmeal, changing diapers and reading picture books a career.
And then I found the expanded, correct quote. It so turns out that in the book Letters of C.S. Lewis, Lewis wrote in a letter to a “Mrs. Ashton”:
“I think I can understand that feeling about a housewife’s work being like that of Sisyphus (who was the stone rolling gentleman). But it is surely in reality the most important work in the world. What do ships, railways, miners, cars, government etc exist for except that people may be fed, warmed, and safe in their own homes? As Dr. Johnson said, “To be happy at home is the end of all human endeavour”. (1st to be happy to prepare for being happy in our own real home hereafter: 2nd in the meantime to be happy in our houses.) We wage war in order to have peace, we work in order to have leisure, we produce food in order to eat it. So your job is the one for which all others exist…” (pg 447-Letter of CS Lewis 1988 ed.)
His perspective is refreshing, right? But my heart is still torn. The plan was to raise two babies, close together in age. And when they grew up a little, we’d raise two more babies. Our house would be overflowing with little children that needed time and attention. Giving that time and attention would be my job. But I don’t have a baby. Jack (compared to the time spent caring for an infant) is really self-sufficient now. I make him a peanut butter sandwich and he eats it.
I know this time will pass. I will be wishing for these good old days, longing for the peaceful, quiet solitude of the afternoon nap. But I’m living in the now, and I’m really struggling with it. What is my purpose? What is my tangible goal?
I know just how you feel only I never had the quietness of just one child. I think it is important to remember that being home with Jack is just as important as being home with two or more children. There are no “do overs” in parenting and Jack is blessed that you can be home with him.
Thanks for this post Alie. I’m feeling the same way- with trying to live in the now and finding purpose when I want to fast forward to the next stage, to how I wish my life was. Funny enough I was in Kneaders the other day and saw this piece of art on the wall staring right at me:
“Wait
Upon the Lord
Be Strong
and
Take
Heart.” Not that difficult of a thing to read/understand, but it took me 5x of reading through because I kept getting stuck at “Wait”. Almost like it was in bold, flashing lights. And although that is so much more blasted easier said than done, I’m trying to believe that all this waiting we go through, will be rewarded.
It’s really, really hard, right? It’s like we’re simultaneously supposed to be looking forward and making plans for the future, but enjoying the now as well. I have yet to find peace with doing this.
And yes, I do believe for all this waiting we will someday be rewarded. It’s also in trusting His timeline, not ours.
Hey Alie! I sympathize with this issue- even though I don’t have kids yet, I think about it a lot. You’ve probably considered part-time or contract work already, but from what you’re saying it sounds like a decent option- especially with your skills that are so well-suited for that market. I doubt Jack would look back and say, “I just have fond memories of that babysitter that helped out for a couple hours a day, even though my mom was there almost all the time.” Besides… I’m sure he’ll have fond memories of Tyler, even though Tyler’s not there the majority of the time. It’s always interesting to me how moms can be framed as bad for not being there for everything, even though dads miss the vast majority of milestones because of work, but are still considered good parents for the time they do put in at home. Deciding whether to work or not is a totally personal choice, but I think a lot of women feel pressured to not work, so they don’t genuinely consider the possibility, even though they could feel prompted to if they gave it a chance. Some women definitely feel inspired not to work, and of course if that’s the case they should honor that. But it seems I have a lot of friends who feel so shamed about considering even part-time work that they aren’t able to honestly ask God or consider that option. Just some of my thoughts- I’m not projecting them on you (don’t know what kind of process you’ve gone through), rather, sharing some of the pre-baby observations I’ve had as I struggle with what choices I plan to make as a mom. There’s definitely no one-size-fits-all easy answer.
As I’ve thought about this for myself, I’ve appreciated this quote from Sister Beck, which she addressed to the women of the church-
“The question of whether or not to work is the wrong question. The question is, ‘Am I aligned with the Lord’s vision of me and what He needs me to become, and the roles and responsibilities He gave me in heaven that are not negotiable? Am I aligned with that, or am I trying to escape my duties?'”
I think as LDS women, when we see “responsibilities” and “duties” we automatically think “childrearing/nurturing.” While that is definitely a “primary responsibility,” as the proclamation says, it’s not the only responsibility we have. So her quote is a really interesting, dynamic one because it encourages us to ask ourselves whether we are honoring our responsibilities (plural!) the best we can. And that is a personal question, with an ideal answer that looks different for every woman, given our different skills, talents, family situations, etc.
Hope you don’t mind me sharing all these thoughts. I appreciate the beautiful posts you write on here and admire you a great deal. xox
I’m so glad you always share your thoughts! There is definitely not a right (or easy!) answer here, and there never will be, will there? I think the purpose is to learn and grow in whatever experiences you do choose to have.
Well said Alie. You summed it up perfectly! You have a way with words.
I’m looking forward to reading this book. I’ve heard it contributes greatly to the “work or stay-at-home” discussion.
A Midwife’s Tale: The Life of Martha Ballard, Based on Her Diary, 1785-1812