My mind has been focusing a lot on the word sacrifice lately. With Mother’s Day coming up this weekend, it’s been pushed to the forefront of my attention.

What does it mean to sacrifice for your children? Does that mean I need to have eleven kids, or is three or four okay? Does that mean I have to feel guilty sitting down and reading a juicy novel for myself sometimes because I should be reading to my kids (again) instead? Does that mean I have to always forgo wearing high heels so I, instead of my husband, can chase after my toddler down the church hallways?

Our primary responsibility is to rear and nurture children, but at what cost? Our individual limits are obviously vastly different and unique. While my sister loves having six children, three or four would make me happy. Does this mean I’m not sacrificing enough or am less of a mother?

I’ll save you the many days and nights, pleading in prayer for an answer: NO, it does not make you any less of a mother.  My poor little soul has been weakened and distraught about this. I’m only raising one child. Am I doing enough?

This mother’s day is about sacrifice, but ones I have accepted rather than chosen. I didn’t choose to sacrifice my daughter to death, to “get” to raise her in the eternities after this life is over. I didn’t choose to space our children out this far.  But these sacrifices – forced upon me by a loving Heavenly Father – have stretched and enlightened my spirit in ways I never knew possible.

While those mothers of three, four, six, eight – however many you’ve got – have primarily sacrificed their time, this year I feel like I’ve sacrificed my soul. It’s been beat up and tormented by the temptations of the devil. It’s been tossed to and fro, beckoned here and there. It’s been cold and hard and closed off. But I can also see how it’s been molded and shaped and reeducated about its divine nature. It’s been trained and uplifted and improved upon. This spirit of mine has matured and grown to be more like Heavenly Father, and isn’t that the end goal?

Let the fear dissipate, and our faith in Heavenly Father grow. Maybe it’s sometimes meeting Him in the middle with a willing heart, open to the circumstances that He places us in. (He knows exactly what He’s doing when He puts you there.) That even if we have a willing heart, maybe our Heavenly Father still has to force sacrifices on us sometimes so that we can grow.

And that’s okay, right?