image above by gail pomare
Some days I think I’m absolutely ready to have a baby again. I read articles on breastfeeding and sleep training without shedding any tears, and I actually keep up with the baby trends (leggings and head wraps, please stick around for a while). Tyler and I talk about baby names and birth dates and car seats.
To me it seems like it’s a pretend subject in the far, distant future. We talk about a pretend future baby and a pretend little sibling for Jack to dote on. Some day it will happen, but who really knows when? We’ve still got forever to “wait” for it, right?
I sometimes feel like I’m ready because the cravings are there. I crave those squishy cheeks and chubby thighs. I crave that newborn whimper in the night. I crave those darling dresses and soft, leather baby moccasins.
But when I actually see a newborn, my mind begins to race and my heart starts pounding uncontrollably in my chest. I shudder at the thought of holding, touching, and feeling that baby cradled in my arms. I don’t want to see its tiny toes and clenched fists. I don’t want to see those gas-induced sleepy smiles. I don’t want any of it because it’s yours, and not mine.
Will I feel differently when it’s my own? It sounds strange but I just don’t want to grow another baby where Amelia was. That’s her spot, her territory. I can’t accurately explain it, but to me, it’s hallowed ground in there.
Over the past month, I’ve been desperately trying to find a balance between all of this. I don’t want to raise just one child in this life, but yet I still can’t quite wrap my head around getting pregnant again. I’m so scared I’ll never commit and if I do it will all go wrong. It’s so hard to have faith and have that hope in a plan that’s not your own.
I just can’t quite figure out what I was supposed to be doing with this past year, when I wasn’t raising a second child. I feel like a failure; so many other moms with careers and PhDs and multiple children and have done more than me and my stay-at-home life with one. I’ve decorated bits and pieces of our house, kept too many crumbs from accumulating on the floor, and instituted a plant-based diet: nothing I couldn’t have done without another baby.
I want a baby but I just don’t get that overwhelming feeling of “it’s the right time” yet, and I fear I never will. Do I pray for readiness, to be prepared for another child? Am I ignoring the promptings or pushing them aside? Because Tyler is patient and kind but wants to get this show on the road. (And I get that – I do too.) But I feel guilty that my own internal issues and struggles are the ultimate thing holding us back from the happiness of another child joining our family.
I’m exhausted and so emotionally drained from thinking about all of this. We had a plan, and this wasn’t it. So what do I do now?
I can only imagine the turmoil your heart is going through right now. And unfortunately, there is no right answer. But I have no doubt that the same God holding sweet Amelia will bring another child to you in Hos perfect timing. Not that that will be easy(if that is His plan at all, I won’t dare to assume), but if He brings you another little one, He will also be present to provide you the strength to go through it all! Praying for your heart, you beautiful mother!
I think of a new baby as an intruder – our family is close and familiar and loving the way it is, and someone new would be . . . not exactly unwelcome, but they wouldn’t fit into our the life we’d worked out. After I had June I felt like I was completely done having kids; the thought of letting a new baby come disrupt our balance was so off-putting. But eventually I started thinking of a new baby as less of an intruder and as more of a child of my own I would love as much as Evan and June. Of course, now that Christian has come and gone, any other baby would be a very unwelcome intruder. If I stop feeling that way eventually, maybe I’ll be ready for another.
But maybe not. Life has gotten confusing, hasn’t it?
yes yes! here’s to hoping we’ll both eventually get there in our own time.
So grateful to have learned to listen to God’s voice and follow his path even when I didn’t want to. Let him help you find the answers and you can’t go wrong!
Dane and I have been thinking about you guys a lot lately as I can see now you know, some of our very near and dear friends (Mika and Jarom) just recently lost a baby. I am so glad to see that you have connected. I cannot even begin to imagine all that you have gone through an are still going through. For me, the hardest part about life is the wondering, what do I do now. Pretty much nothing has ever worked out the way I planned, and it’s so frustrating! But the peace always comes later (sometimes much later) as I see God’s plan is so much greater than mine could have ever been. (not easier, but better). We love you guys!