If I am to be completely honest with myself, part of the reason I’m not ready to have another baby is fear.
It’s a fear of the unknown in the most selfish way. It’s a fear from a dark place inside of me that doesn’t want to change, because this little family that I’ve got right in front of me seems to be working just fine.
The world – and to be honest, my friends, family, and acquaintances – tell me that having two kids is hard. I know that. They go on to say things like, “George was the best baby, so easy and sweet. But then little Elliot came along, and don’t even get me started about her…” (There is usually eye-rolling and a long sigh involved.)
It’s not a wonder to me anymore why so many women fear having children when they’re surrounded by attitudes like these.
As much as I’d love three more Jack personalities (sensitive, mindful, obedient) in our family, I know that probably won’t happen. Because based off of what people tell me, the next one is bound to be a hell-raising kid who won’t listen to a word I say and will get into everything. Apparently I won’t be able to shower and I’m going to have to sleep with one eye open for fear he’ll burn the house down when my back is turned.
To me, this little family of mine right here & right now is perfect, so why change that?
I know this all seems awfully silly and selfish – it is. But they’re real thoughts that go through my head every single day. They’re real thoughts that make me cry in the shower and plead mightily with the Lord in prayer each night. I really do know that my heart will soften and change and soon be ready to accept another baby when the time is right. I will be delighted to be a mama again when that time comes. And it will be beautiful and good and right.
Hey :) I hear you on this, and I don’t even have any kids yet! But it’s interesting to kind of observe as an outsider, and I’d say that the vast majority of comments I hear from all my friends about their kids are negative comments. VAST majority. Not the reason we don’t have kids yet, but it certainly doesn’t make the prospect of having children any more appealing. And I should disclaim that I’m not judging anyone for being negative- it does seem really hard and hellish a lot of the time. Sometimes it is hard to understand why anyone is becoming a parent though, with how unhappy and exhausted they all seem :). Guess we’ll understand when we get there! xo
RIGHT?! There is a lot of sacrifice involved, but that shouldn’t make us unhappy. I’m retreading Bringing Up Bebe and just read about how motherly satisfaction is super low in the US compared to France. Perhaps it’s just because of the way we raise our children, so we’re constantly doing more than we need to to be above everyone else? And are people unsatisfied being mothers because they’re part of the problem with their own parenting? I can’t really say because I don’t have more than one child. But the book (and everything else I read about it) tells me that kids aren’t as “bad” or “difficult” in other countries as they are here. That leads me to believe a lot of it is parenting fault, not the kids.
There is nothing wrong with raising one child. I have noticed lately that you are writing about this anxiety regarding the size of your family.
It sounds like the pressure is external. When (and IF) you want to have another child, it will be clear to you and it will feel right.
And if not, that’s okay too. Your only responsibility is being a great mom to Jack and a great wife to Tyler. And you seem to be doing a WONDERFUL job. I would never for one second think that you were a selfish person. I hate to see you being so hard on yourself. Try to understand you are perfect the way you are.
Thank you, Katie. You’re absolutely right – there is nothing wrong with one child. But I feel like there are more that are supposed to come to our family. I’m not set upon having eight, but a couple more would be nice. In all of our “perfection” as three, sometimes it is a little lonely.
Tyler and I really got overwhelming feelings of “we need to have another one RIGHT NOW” with Jack and Amelia. So I’m just counting on that overwhelming feeling of “the right time” to come again. And hopefully it’s soon, but it seems like I’ve still got some grief issues to work out fully before the time comes.