It’s always a solemn, quiet drive to the cemetery and back. It’s funny how awkward a fifteen minute drive can seem when you sit there in silence.

We don’t go very often, but I’ve been trying to visit her more. For so long I tried to block her out of my thoughts and feelings, because remembering means crying.

I don’t like to cry.

I feel like I was doing really good for a while. And I’m still doing fine – recovering, but fine. Every once in a while there are waves of emotion that hit me hard in the chest and knock me over for a few days. Then I get back up and block it out again until the next wave overcomes me. I’m learning to live in this rough ocean, but I long to go back to the calmer seas I once knew.