(The photo above is from March 2011. Jack was five months old, and we were so close to graduation!)
Yesterday evening I looked around and realized, Man. We are such a beautiful family.
I don’t mean that in a literal sense of the word beauty. We’ve got plenty of flaws, inward and out. (Don’t even get me started on my big Greek nose.)
I just realized our family, in my own parameters of beauty, is indeed perfect.
In the evenings there’s a cool cross breeze that blows through our house. I am able to catch glimpses of Jack playing outside so contently with his water table, pouring the water back and forth, back and forth. It’s rhythmic and he’s so focused on that one small task that forty five minutes go by until he finally comes inside to see Tyler and I are reading serenely on the couch, soaking up the last rays of the evening sunshine.
Minutes later, Jack has provoked his Daddy off the couch. I catch Tyler chasing after Jack from the family room to the kitchen and around the table, with wide smiles and loud giggles. They get in a tickle fight until both of them fall together in a heap on the couch, exhausted from laughing so hard.
We take a family walk. With just the three of us, we fit perfectly across the sidewalk holding hands. Jack jumps over the cracks, and gently strokes the colorful, blooming flowerbeds. He runs ahead of us to point out trees and dogs and cars, because there’s so many, mama!
Our family is beautiful. We’re happy. But I can’t shake the thought that something – someone, perhaps – is missing. Why wasn’t I trusted with a baby? Why couldn’t I handle it? I’m alone and drowning in a world of why nots.
I can see now why people want a dog after they’ve lost a child. You’re in this state of vulnerability and were so ready to love, and then it’s been ripped from your arms and you’re emptier than when you started. You’re back to square one, trying to find enough room in your heart to love again. It’s there, the love is there. But where is the baby?
I love those beautiful moments. It sounds like Jack is such a fun age right now! I would never think you were not to be trusted with another baby. I think you and your husband were strong enough to handle this storm. I know you and him and gone through so much (and so much I have no idea about). I think the world of you for sharing your story often! I know that when we share our trials it helps us help others go through theirs.
Thank you for writing this blog. I love hearing about your beautiful life :)
Oh Alex, you HAVE been trusted with a baby! Not just anyone could have gone (and continue to go through) what you and Tyler have experienced Amelia. Not just anyone could have “handled” that hand of cards with as must strength and compassion as you. I think that you, Tyler, and Jack are amazing for all that’s happened to your family over the last year and a half or so. Don’t think so little of yourself – I know that Heavenly Father is so proud of you for being willing to carry, love, and dote upon His little daughter who would only be on this earth for a short time. Not just anyone is blessed with such a duty, and He blessed your family with His trust :)
Those family moments are the best. I love a home filled with laughter – as I read your words, I reflected upon those wonderful evenings in our home, with Derek and Parker chasing each other around and giggling, giggling, giggling…it’s the best :) Last night we got our first warm breeze – April snow in Minnesota has kept our doors shut tight until very very recently! It was one of those perfect evenings indeed.
I know I tell you this often, but I love you and your sweet family. I just want to hug you.