We’ve been sick around here for weeks and weeks, so when I started feeling even the tiniest bit better I took the chance to stretch my body with some yoga.

Jack loved it, and Tyler got a kick out of watching us.

It’s hard being a non-working, stay at home mommy. While Tyler gets lots of opportunities to progress and actually move forward through work, I have to really seek out opportunities to learn and grow. It takes quite a bit of self-discipline, too, which I have yet to master.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I know being a mother is part of it, but I refuse to let that consume me. And so the search has begun for a hobby.

Sewing isn’t that hobby. I enjoy sewing, but I don’t live for it. And I’m impatient and do a crappy job on all of my projects because of the aforementioned impatience. And I got all this cool fabric for Christmas but can’t seem to figure out what to make with it besides more pillows and ruffled dishtowels (and if Tyler came home to more pillows, he’d really think I’d lost it.)

I tried exercising as a hobby, but against logic, that just made me more stressed. Trying to get myself and a toddler out of the house and across town to the gym while fighting 8am traffic and hoping I don’t miss my class was too much. And then to come home and shower and get dressed and ready after that … I wasn’t available til 11am or later on most days, which gave me exactly one hour until Jack’s three-hour nap.  So instead of the gym we go on walks through our neighborhood, which is much more relaxing and less time-consuming.

Art is something I’ve always been drawn to throughout my entire life, but I realize it’s at the lowest points in my life where I get that good, artsy vibe. And I’m scared to really feel again, because I’m not sure it’s something I can just turn on and off. I can’t just tune out now that I’ve got people to take care of. So lately I’ve been focused on channeling my happy thoughts into art, but it goes against everything I’ve taught myself for the past 24 years. Tyler thinks it would be fun to write a children’s book about a pink bunny. I’m open to the idea but don’t know where to start.

Writing is good, but I wouldn’t call it a hobby. I don’t feel productive when I’m writing. I don’t feel as if I’m changing the world and influencing people (not that this is my end goal or definition of success, because it is indeed far from that.) I don’t feel as if I’ve been productive with my afternoon when I just write. And I’m not even into book writing or anything like that, it’s just silly journaling.

I love to cook. But it’s hard to cook when you’ve got to be super diligent in watching calories to just maintain your weight. I love food and wish I could eat fancy food all day. Sundried tomato hummus with homemade pita chips, balsamic glazed bruschetta with a light drizzle of olive oil, avocado and chickpea sandwiches … (maybe my problem is with carbohydrates?!)

I guess all this being said, my main goal is to learn and grow. And I have, I recognize that. I am such a better cook and don’t have nearly the amount of mishaps in the kitchen as I used to. I know my way around a vegan pantry ten times better than I did five months ago. I am rusty, but discovered I’ve still got some art talent deep down. My definition of learning and growing just needs to change.

They don’t prepare you for that in school. They don’t prepare you for being a mom and the mediocrity that comes with it. Yesterday I was brought a pair of shoes by my two-year old and congratulated after I put them on. (“YAY!” he clapped.) My definition of learning and growing needs to change, because putting on shoes is now the learning and growing I will do. I will learn patience and perseverance and willpower through the eyes of a child all day. I just need to be okay that it isn’t textbooks and facts and essays anymore. It isn’t deadlines and coworkers and raises I’m fighting with, but rather myself.

I don’t think in this grand search for happiness that I’ll find it anywhere but inside. I’m coming to realize it’s all a confidence issue, and about being grateful and happy just where I am.