Today I miss her.
I miss the way she smells, and the way her arms would curl up when I held her close to me. I miss laying in bed with her, watching her tiny chest move up and down so rhythmically. I miss her heartbeat on the monitors.
I miss the tender moments shared between husband and wife as we gazed at her, in awe of her strong spirit. I miss having heaven so close. I miss those two days where the world became still, and nothing mattered but our family.
I miss being pregnant with such a unique spirit of our father in heaven’s. I miss feeling those kicks and jabs of, “I’m here, mama. I’m still strong and I hope you are too.” I miss the beautiful feeling of hoping that as long as she was inside me, she would be safe from the world. I miss watching the two of us grow together, because now we are growing apart and time will only make it worse.
A kind woman at the gym found out that I, too, was a mother. Six weeks postpartum for me, four months postpartum for her. If asked I tell people Amelia is with my mother-in-law (which is true. I just left out the part that they are both in heaven). I lied and it hurts to do so, but what choice do I have? I don’t want pity, and I’m tired of the of awkward moments.
I’m taking a kickboxing class, releasing anger I didn’t know I had. I wear our matching bracelet and every time it catches the light I hope she’s watching me, looking over me. Forgive me, Amelia, for being angry you left me. I know it’s not your fault or my fault or anyone’s fault. I signed up for this challenge in our premortal life. I was so excited and honored to get a body here on earth, and just like you I gladly accepted the difficulties that would come with it.
Do you miss me like I miss you, Amelia? Do spirits cry in heaven for their families down on earth, maybe just a little?
Why do you think Amelia hung around for days instead of hours or minutes? I am sure she didn’t want to leave. I t is okay to be angry, that is part of the grieving process. And telling somebody she is with your mother in law is great! Just think of the joy for Connie who must miss her family so much.Hang in there, you are doing great! I am so proud of you, Mom.
“I miss the beautiful feeling of hoping that as long as she was inside me, she would be safe from the world.” I know that you wish she was still in the world with you, but she is most definitely safe from the world now & forever. Your family did a wonderful job protecting her during the short time she was in the world, too. You are a wonderful mother.
p.s. I think the mother-in-law bit is genius.
I think heaven will always be close to you. Not only is Amelia a choice spirt so are you, Tyler and Jack. Heavenly father is so mindful of you right now, and I can’t help but think how grateful He is that you welcomed Amelia into your family.
My friend being her mom is such a gift, trust me when you tell people about her story all we feel for you is love. We all want to hear about her she is your daughter as jack is your son. Anna has a friend who is going thru the same situation you are so she was very understanding when you said she is with your mother in law. She thought it was sweet to think of your daughter in our mother in laws arms.