This weekend was our first trip back to Utah since we left. So much has changed in our family – we had a daughter! – but yet it was almost as if she never existed. Our family was the same as when we left Provo: just Tyler, Alie, and baby Jack. Except we’ve got a “grown-up” job and baby Jack now walks and (kind of) talks.
It’s sometimes hard to function and hard to want to get out of bed when the world around you has moved on. I don’t expect other people to hurt the same way I do; it’s not their child that died. But as time passes she gets talked about less and less by family and friends, until it was almost as if she never existed.
It’s easier to deal with the pain that way, to pretend as if she never existed. There’s a gaping hole in my heart but the clock continues to tick and the hours and days and weeks keep passing without my consent.
I got to bottle-feed and snuggle my sister’s 2.5 month old babies this weekend. It was lovely holding a baby again, but in reality it just emphasized my loneliness. My chest was heavy the entire weekend as I ached for little Amelia. Lincoln would coo and smile at me, and I like to think it was his way of telling me she’s all right up there. But most of the time I just wanted to burst into tears anyway because it was almost as if she never existed. It saddened me that she would never get to experience the happiness and joy of being part of a family here on earth. It just doesn’t make it any easier to know what could have been.
I just saw your comments on the FB group and followed the link to your blog. People always told me you could never understand a mothers love until you were a mother, and I never believed it. But now, as a mother, I get it. And I have cried and cried today as I read your story. I wish I had any kind of wisdom or comfort to share, but just know that today, to me, she exists. Today your grief is shared. Her pictures are beautiful. Today your story, your Amelia, is remembered.
Ameila will get to experience being part of a family, your family, just not yet. Be patient Alie, god has not forgotten you or Amelia. and yes, Lioncoln was telling you Amelia is doing just fine.
I remember holding my girlfriend’s little girl, only a week younger than Corrine, about three weeks after Corrine was born. I did cry. She was so perfect!
. . . There will always be those reminders. Sometimes, I don’t even think about it when I see kids that were born at the same time as Corrine. Sometimes, I am reminded and I have to just let it go.
I always remind myself that there is a bigger picture that I can’t see and all wrongs will be made right. . . and better!
Hugs.
Life does go on, but God make’s you strong enough. I love you and am praying for you and Tyler. We miss ya’ll.
I know you will have that chance to raise your sweet Amelia! That is the awesome blessing of an eternal family! It is a promise to you from Heavenly Father and he is bound by covenant as long as we are faithful! I know you will one day hold her again and kiss her sweet cheeks! Heavenly Father loves you so much and always remember your family is bound to you for all eternity! You are amazing and I am so blessed and inspired by your strength and the example you set! You are an amazing daughter of God with an eternal family!