I’ve got lots of time to think. And when I close my eyes, it just gets worse. I picture Amelia’s birth and her death and her little graveside memorial. I think about it, dream about it, and talk about it. It’s an awful plague I can’t seem to escape.
I can’t judge. I won’t judge.
But I’ll speculate.
Is it worse to know your baby is going to die, or is it worse to be unprepared? It’s like the band-aid on a hairy arm getting ripped off in one fell (excruciatingly painful) swoop versus being pulled off bit by bit, agonizingly slow and steady. There isn’t a worse or a better. Both are difficult, painful situations. But at least the hairy arm was prepared for it, toughened up by the elements. I feel like my band-aid was placed on the most delicate, bruised and unweathered skin.
One is over and done with; a cleaner break. The other is drawn out over the course of what seems like eternity, taunting the victim here and there a little. But both have baggage. I know the latter, and Tyler knows the previous (and the latter). Which is better, and which is worse?
Oh Alie- I can’t even imagine how hard and painful this is. Please know how much we love and care for your family.
I’ve also considered things like this. With Alex’s parents, we knew they were sick and we had time to talk, grieve, say goodbye and come to terms . . . but waiting was excruciating and seemed to intensify with each day that passed.
My grandma (who I lived with much of my life growing up), passed suddenly, with no warning. It was difficult to understand and comprehend all at once and I was left with regrets of what I wish I would have said to her, done etc . . But, sometimes I felt it was easier than to know that it was coming.
I completely agree with you that both would be excruciating, but I can’t even imagine the grief you are experiencing knowing what you know. (And as mothers we know that love for our little ones is the greatest love ever imaginable- so again, you are experiencing grief that I can’t even fathom.)
Please know that I love you and I think about you and your family all the time. I am inspired by you; that through this tough time, you still remain strong in your testimony. It is so wonderful to see. Thank you for being a wonderful example of a mother and woman that I can look up to.
Long rambling comment, I know, but just remember that your posts inspire me to be better in every aspect of life, especially spiritually. I believe that it is possible that because of this trial, you have, without knowing, become an amazing missionary to your friends and family. I will always be eternally grateful to know you.
sometimes there is no better way. but remember that there is a better way. i have witnessed people go through similar things and without the gospel and a testimony of the whole picture, many people never recover, turn to alcohol or other ways to numb themselves. some things like losing a child are not easy long or slow, prepared or unprepared, but having the knowledge of the love heavenly father has for you and knowing he will be with you every step of the way is easier than without that knowledge. love, mom
I guess I’ve never thought about it because this is the first experience anyone in our family has ever had with an imminent death. We’ve never had anyone close to us be sick with a terminal illness, so we had to watch them suffer. We’ve been really blessed to have healthy grandparents and a safe family.
So, I know this was meant to be a rhetorical question, but, there is something nice about it just happening and you can’t do anything about it because it’s already been done. But, there’s also something to be said about the growth opportunity for knowing in advance. Like we talked about the other day, it’s going to be hard, so look at it as an opportunity to be strengthened, not a time to suffer and survive.
I think you and Tyler (and Jack!) are amazing and I know this has been a great experience for me, and I’m just an outsider!
I somewhat humorously joked with a friend today that maybe there is such a big age span between my two living children (4 years, 5 months) because God knew that having them closer together would have been the end of my personal sanity. It made me pause to consider the nature of trials and take comfort in the scripture in 1 Cor. 10:13 “God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” Trusting His end without knowing it, seems often above what I would like to be “able”, but I know that it’s not. I pray that the experiences that you will have with Amelia will give you the peace that you need to be “able to bear it,” even with bittersweet joy.
I don’t know what to say, other than I had this exact same thought today. I love you and I am sorry that you have to go through this trial.