I’m 32 weeks pregnant with Amelia today. We’ve got five short weeks left until her delivery day, which baffles me. Wasn’t it just ten weeks away yesterday? I’ve still got two-and-a-half months left to figure out how to deal with all of this, right?
This entire pregnancy feels surreal. I often forget I am pregnant (until I look down, that is) because we aren’t preparing for baby to come home like we normally would. I’ve avoided baby clothes and baby showers altogether, and other than a couple of my old baby gowns and a knitted hat we don’t have an ounce of pink baby clothing. I don’t even open my babycenter emails anymore; those go straight to the trash. There’s not really any nesting going on either; I’ll have the same amount of free time after the baby is born as I do now. There will be no baby shower, and I’m undecided on whether there will be birth announcements sent out at all.
More than anything, right now I feel kind of sad that though I’m carrying a baby, I’m missing out on preparing for a baby. Isn’t that the fun part of pregnancy, picking out clothes and tiny shoes and new pacifiers? I don’t get to repaint the balls on Jack’s old crib to be girl colors and I don’t get to pick out pink and red polka dotted sheets to sew. I don’t get to make bows and headbands for her hair. I don’t get to buy dozens of white newborn onesies or sew printed pink blankets. It’s silly considering the circumstances, but right now the hardest part about pregnancy is missing out on all of this.
I apologize if it seems that I’ve been somewhat of a downer lately here on the blog. I try really hard to be positive (and I am!) but sometimes life just gets to me, and it seems that my downer days are the only ones I post about! I’ll work on that. I’m striving for at least equal the amount of good days and bad days around here. After all, I have yet to recap Tyler’s birthday, which turned out to be quite unforgettable. More on that to come. :)
Please please please don’t ever apologize for your bad days! I’m so strengthened by you, by the fact that you have good days at all!
Alie, all things considered, you are doing great! You are right, you are missing out on all of thoses things. Most of the time I think you do an amazing job of looking at the bigger, eternal perspective. But I also think that you are entitled to feeling ripped off, because in the day to day of it, you are. It’s okay to awknowledge that. You are human- a pretty great one I might add!
Alie, I agree with your mom. It’s okay to be a little down. I always think about the story where Christ wept. I think it’s okay for us to be sad when sad things happen. I’m so sorry you’re missing out on the baby preparations. Those preparations are so fun. It shows what a wonderful mother you are that you care so much about all the little things. I was at a sealing on Saturday where the sealer talked about the spirits waiting to come to this earth. He talked about how many of them are praying to come to specific homes where they will be loved and taught the gospel by good parents. I’m sure there are many wonderful spirits praying to come to your little family. I’m sure Little Amelia is so excited to have you two as parents. It’s hard though when it feels like forever before you’ll see her again. You are such a strong wonderful mother!
Jennifer I wish I could give you a hug!