26 weeks pregnant with baby Amelia. Please forgive me; I’m a little emotional this week.
I’ve been fearful lately. As Amelia’s due date approaches (still months away) my nerves are getting the best of me. The uncertainty that comes with having a baby is now multiplied by tens of thousands.
This time around I’m not worried about crib mattresses and feeding schedules and tiny baby shoes. I’m worried about picking out a casket and if she will live through birth and what the one outfit she’ll get to wear will be.
It’s downright terrifying. I don’t know how to put it except that no mother should ever have to go through something like this. (But unfortunately, so many already have.)
There are so many “what-ifs” involved in a situation like this. You just don’t know. Will she live to be three or four days old like some of the stories I’ve read? If so, we’ll need a few outfits for her, and if Jack’s not out of his crib yet, I don’t know where she’s going to sleep here at home. We don’t even own an infant carseat anymore to take her home from the hospital.
But what if she doesn’t even make it through birth? Or until birth? I had a little scare the other night when I couldn’t feel her move for hours and hours at a time. At 3am I laid in bed crying and praying with all my might to Heavenly Father to just give me a little more time with her. I’m not ready to let go of her just yet. She and I have big plans for these next two months.
I got to see her again on an ultrasound yesterday. She’s got beautiful legs and the cutest little toes. I’m so grateful for every day I get to spend with her, kicking inside of me.
You’re a fighter, you know that Amelia? You are much stronger and braver than me. And I know you’re good buddies with our brother, Jesus Christ, and that he’s anxious to get you home again. You’re going to change people’s lives up there in heaven, and do such important work. I know it’s much better up there, but I hope you’ll stay a while longer with your family down here on earth. Not my will, but thine, be done; we understand that. But we’re just starting to get to know you, and want you to know with or without you here, our love for you grows more and more everyday.
Know that I love you and am praying for you everyday.
Alie, you and Tyler are amazing. It’s okay and normal to feel all the things that you do, You have been an example to so many of us and a reminder of the eternal perspective. You are showing maturity many of us never achieve. But you are still a mom who loves her baby and you are allowed to be sad because your time together right now is so short. Remember, being separated is only temporary. We all love you, grieve with you and for you and we pray for all of you. I love you, Mom
I love you, Mom.
I think it’s amazing that you have had the chance to get to know that special little girl if even it’s just while she has been gaining her earthly body while in you. There is also a sadness that although I can’t say I have ever known personally but sweetie just like your mom commented, we certainly feel it and our hearts are definately touched by your strength. I feel like I even know her a bit from all of your wonderful stories of her ultrasound pics and her kicking and such! You know that she is special in our Lord’s eyes and I am sure she will put in a few good words for her mommy to the big guy when she is up there!!
I have been thinking about you every day. We love you guys so much. You are such a strong woman and I am so touched by your strength and example to me. We are praying for you and we love you guys so so so much!!!
Wow. I am totally speechless. This post had me about in tears. I will keep your family in my prayers. You are being watched over and given strength I am not sure that I would have had.