I’ll be honest: I haven’t quite known what to write lately. So inspired this morning by Ruffling Feathers (who was inspired by creature comforts), I’ve put together a list of things I’m afraid to tell you.

1. I really am okay with Amelia’s prognosis. It’s not just the fact that I’ve “come to terms” with it, but more of an overwhelming sense of gratitude that this trial is happening to our family. That’s the honest truth. Sure, it’s changed our “five year plan” for our family drastically, but I feel so strongly this was meant to happen. It has changed me for the better. When the time comes I know it’s not going to be easy letting her frail body go, but I feel blessed (and almost undeserving?) to be given the opportunity to be her mother. I was chosen to care for one of the Lord’s choicest spirits, and that to me shows the Lord loves and cares about me. Really truly, this is how I feel.

2. While I’m on the subject of pregnancy, I’ve only gained two or three pounds so far. I’m 22.5 weeks along with a large belly. I eat plenty of fatty food (Amelia loves In-n-Out!) but I just don’t gain weight in pregnancy like everyone else does. This happened with Jack too. Most will probably be incredibly jealous, but it makes me insecure. Am I eating enough? Is my baby Amelia growing okay and getting the correct nutrition? What is wrong?

3. I’m a really picky person when it comes to most things. Food, Jack’s clothes, design and household furnishings, you name it. I’m not even that fashionable of a dresser, but I try to make Jack look as handsome as possible hoping he’ll make up for my lack of fashion sense. We have a brand-new, modern kitchen but the other night Tyler caught me being picky and complaining about the granite countertops. For heavens sake, will I ever be grateful and happy with just where I am? No one in my family will buy me (or Jack) clothes or art or anything for our house because I am too picky. They have confided in me they don’t ever know what to get me because I probably won’t like what they chose. And I’ll admit it’s true. But let me confide in you that yesterday at Target I bought a pair of royal blue crocs for Jack. You can laugh now because you and I both know they’re hideous! But I finally put fashion aside and went with practicality, knowing they’ll be great and super easy to slip on for playing in our backyard in the summer. He’s not allowed to wear them anywhere but in our backyard, but I feel like it’s a step in the right direction for me being less picky. Can I get a round of applause? Three cheers?

4. I genuinely love my husband and wouldn’t change a thing about him. I’ve never wished I married someone else. Our courtship was short and sweet but I just knew from day three (!!) he was the best friend I’d been looking for. I am so proud of him and everything he accomplishes. Yes he has flaws, but we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t! I think without his tiny flaws I’d end up getting too frustrated at his perfection and too jealous at all the success he has. He works so hard and loves me so deeply. I’m amazed at his strength and happiness in handling what life throws at him. It’s not fair he’s had so much loss (his mother, sister, brother, and now his daughter) but he handles it better than anyone I know. Somehow he is able to be the stronghold in the family, being the lighthouse to help guide everyone else through the storm. I don’t know how he does it, but he is truly my favorite person in the world and I’m grateful we’re sealed together forever.

5. I’m a very private person. It probably doesn’t seem like it on our blog, but I keep things to myself. In high school I suffered from severe depression, even having to be hospitalized for it my senior year. I was taken out of school for close to three weeks, unsuccessfully trying to cope and deal with the demons in my head. I craved being alone, yet hated it at the same time. There’s still a part of me that is like that. Part of me wants the support of my friends and family, and part of me just wants to deal with this pregnancy alone and privately. But if you know me personally, on the surface I’m a very outgoing and friendly person. I smile a lot and I don’t seem shy. But just know it’s hard for me to make friends. I don’t just go and talk to new people, or sit by someone new – I need you to approach me first. Maybe I’m scared of rejection, maybe I’m just shy. I want so badly to be surrounded by many, many close friends, but reaching out and being vulnerable just doesn’t come naturally for me like it does for some people. So if you’re outgoing, help me out and be my friend?

6. I’m inherently lazy. It’s true. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I’d much rather read a book or watch Food Network instead of doing the laundry. Instead of even folding the laundry. Tyler loves to tackle big tasks (cleaning the garage, anyone? all-day trip to Ikea? spring cleaning?) but I’ve always been a complainer throughout the entire ordeal. I’m like a whiny five-year old, who you have to bribe with a treat to do chores. And I’ll mention I’m not a morning person. I sleep in til close to 8, and Jack just deals with it. It takes me at least until 9 or 10 to really get going in the morning (dressed, showered) and that’s the “improved” version. I’m working really hard to make to-do lists as motivation everyday, because checking them off is rewarding for me. Whatever works.

Hope you will have a wonderful weekend. Tyler is off to a campout for church tonight. It’s a father & son theme and he’s bringing my little Jack Jack with him. I’m nervous (somehow we’ve never taken him camping before?!) but I trust his Daddy will take good care of him and make sure he eats lots of s’mores.