Often people ask how I’m doing. I will be honest upfront in telling you I have about an equal amount of good days and bad days. Monday morning Tyler left for work, and unpacking in a new house kept me busy. The sun was out and I had plenty to do.

But Tuesday morning rolled around and I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I felt sad and depressed and lonely. We didn’t have a working computer yet and I wanted so desperately to blog. Most of the day, I wasn’t sad about our situation in particular, I was just sad. But when Tyler got home and Jack was tucked into bed, I began to sob uncontrollably on the couch. Being the kindhearted man he is, Tyler dropped everything and wrapped his arms around me tightly, just holding me on the couch. He told me how proud of me he is, and how deeply he loves and cares for me. He told me he is sorry I have to go through this.

But we both know deep down we’re not sorry at all. This trial has brought so many blessings to our family already, and I feel so much closer to the Lord because of it. He knows what we’re going through, and knows we can handle this. He’s felt the pain before and experienced it, for he too has experienced loss and the pain of losing a child.

It’s not easy to stay positive, but so many people have far more difficult trials than we do. I feel grateful for the time I get to spend with Amelia now, and I know I’ll be her mother in heaven someday. You know that hymn, “O My Father“? Since I found out I was pregnant, coincidentally (or not?) that hymn has been sung many, many times at church. I’ve never paid much attention to the words before, but since January the lines,

“In the heav’ns are parents single? No, the thought makes reason stare! Truth is reason; truth eternal, Tells me I’ve a mother there.“

have brought tears to my eyes. I can still barely contain myself when I hear it. I have felt like I really resonated with that verse, but I didn’t know why so I chocked it up to what we all blame it on: pregnancy hormones. But now I get it, and it brings an overwhelming peace to my heart knowing that I will have one more (perfect!) little baby to raise in heaven one day.

Eliza R. Snow, the second Relief Society president wrote that hymn. For whatever reason, she never had children in this life – an trial even more difficult than mine. Yet, she stayed so positive, testifying powerfully of Christ and optimism:

I will go forward. I will smile at the rage of the tempest, and ride fearlessly and triumphantly across the boisterous ocean of circumstance… and ‘the testimony of Jesus’ will light up a lamp that will guide my vision through the portals of immortality, and communicate to my understanding the glories of the Celestial kingdom.

May we ever be like Eliza, moving forward with a hope and surety of the gospel of Jesus Christ.