found via twitter: chilangosta89
Here’s my tangent on the French Parenting huffalump that’s going around. Take it with a grain of salt, please. :)
Once I finish my current read (a 600-page love story about penicillin during WWII – the title escapes me at the moment) I’m going to start on Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting. I know it’s gotten a lot of negative (and some positive) press attention lately (and the only article I’ve read is the Wall Street Journal one here) but I’m eager to read it because I whole-heartedly agree with its notions.
I just learned of the book and methods a week or two ago, but I suppose I find it particularly interesting because it’s almost exactly how we’ve raised Jack. He’s such an easy baby and toddler, and while some of it is his personality I’d also like to think some of it is also reflective of our parenting. I can’t profess to be a parenting genius by any means – we’ve got one kid and he’s only 15 months old – but I’d like to think we’ve done a really good job so far.
Jack has this innate ability to be obedient. How did I get so lucky? Today he was touching a pile of empty boxes destined for the recycle bin, and I gave him a firm, “Jack, please don’t touch those boxes. Thank you, buddy!” and he happily walks away and finds something else to play with. Can I keep him sweet like this forever? I have noticed, however, that when he acts mischievous (touching the forbidden bookshelf!) he does it to get my attention to tell me it’s naptime or he needs a snuggle. It took me a few weeks of frustration to figure this out.
One thing we’re implementing from the article (which was from the book) is Jack’s snack times. I’ve noticed a HUGE difference in his attitude towards food now that I’m regulating his meals throughout the day! French children typically eat four times a day: breakfast, lunch, a 4pm snack, and dinner. Jack used to eat breakfast, an early lunch, another lunch around 2pm, and then a snack at 4 to hold him off until dinner…well, you get the picture. He was munching all day long. One day I just started giving him a strict breakfast, lunch, 3:30pm snack, and dinner. He doesn’t whine or complain anymore, and I noticed he’s been eating more respectfully because he knows that’s all the food he’s going to get for a while. It’s only been two weeks, but even Tyler can tell you he’s much more patient when we’re preparing meals for him. He used to whine, not understanding we had to make the food first and we couldn’t miraculously pull food out of our butt (Tyler’s words, not mine :). Now he sits patiently in his high chair and watches us.
Another thing I liked in relation to the French 4pm snack time was that even if you pick up a treat running errands in the morning, be firm and don’t let them have it until afternoon snack time. In the WSJ: “Delphine said that she never set out specifically to teach her kids patience. But her family’s daily rituals are an ongoing apprenticeship in how to delay gratification. Delphine said that she sometimes bought Pauline candy. (Bonbons are on display in most bakeries.) But Pauline wasn’t allowed to eat the candy until that day’s snack, even if it meant waiting many hours.” Neat, huh? While there are most definitely exceptions to this rule, when kept on a daily basis it teaches patience – a skill most American kids don’t have.
I also loved that they mention a mother doesn’t need to be hovering over her children while they play. I have always felt like I’m an inadequate parent because I don’t sit on the ground and play with Jack all day, but now I’m seeing the big picture where this is actually a good thing! He’s learning that while I love him dearly, I have other things that require my attention. Jack is excellent at playing by himself (as long as I’m in the room), and will do so for hours. Tyler and I have even taken naps on the couch while he plays, and he doesn’t get into mischief at all.
Most of all I loved that the standard is for infants to sleep through the night by 2-3 months. WSJ: “One of the keys to this education is the simple act of learning how to wait. It is why the French babies I meet mostly sleep through the night from two or three months old. Their parents don’t pick them up the second they start crying, allowing the babies to learn how to fall back asleep.” That is so uncommon here! A lot of Americans are apparently upset about that, but that’s the norm for my sisters and I – we sleep train our kids early on this way. I follow the same practice now that Jack is older, and I don’t rush to get him out of his crib as soon as he wakes. He knows he’s not abandoned and that I’ll come and get him, giving him lots of snuggles and love.
Anyway, that’s just my two-cents on the subject. Take it or leave it. It’s a really fascinating method of parenting that I think produces unbelievable results. I can’t wait to read the book!
I’ve read some about Bringing up Bebe, too, recently, and it seems the ideas are sound. I’m glad to hear your success!!
I love that you’re going to read the book too! I am really looking forward to hearing about her experience, I enjoyed the WSJ article.
I read that it’s 45% personality and 55% environment (aka parenting) – and while my husband questions the validity of those percentages because I can not for the life of me remember the exact source, I think those numbers seem realistic. It drives me crazy when mothers say “Well, that’s just how they are” to excuse disobedience, ruckus behavior at church or at a restaurant, hitting, screaming, interrupting. Elijah starting at 3 mths and he plays independently frequently (which saved my behind when I had terrible morning sickness) which sometimes makes me feel a little neglectful.
He recently was scared of the dark and ask for the door to be left open. What I noticed over the next week or two that he was falling asleep later and later and waking up earlier and earlier. He was a cranky kid too – which is so usually for him. So we started being firm about the door being closed, after reasurring him he was safe (like 10 times before the door was shut). Worked like a charm – happy AND not scared of the dark anymore.
Kids need boundaries. I think we’ve lost that in how much of our society parents. Some here may think the French are too strict (borderline abusive, at least I’ve heard stories about this) but clearly kids here need more structure and to learn greater respect for authority and less instant gratification.
Garin, I TOTALLY agree! Kids need boundaries. I think in America the kids are too often in charge and it leads to the absurd behavior we see in public. That’s interesting about Elijah wanting the door open – good for you guys, standing your ground! That’s how parenting should be.
Oops – please omit the “starting at 3 mths and” from the 2nd sentence of the 2nd paragraph.
I’ve enjoyed hearing about this book, also, and feel there are many parenting tips I’ve tried to use with my own two kids. A huge aspect of this puzzle- comparing French parenting to American- is that French culture is much more uniform in nature than ours. There is support all around French parents- better subsidies for childcare, cost of college, work flexibility… and quite simply in parenting strategy and daily structure.
It sounds like the author of this blog is doing a lovely job with her son. However, it’s not too difficult to control your child’s world when they’re 15 months old. Soon the school years hit, and your kid sees that his classmates pack candy in their lunch at school, talk back to their parents without consequences, etc., and life gets a lot trickier!
Don’t get me wrong, diversity is great. It’s the reason my French friends who’ve chosen to make the State home often cite as the draw– that French culture can be so totalitarian. However, removing all the questioning most new parents face with small day-to-day parenting decisions must seriously reduce anxiety– for the parents and for the children.
I haven’t even heard of this book before but now I’m pretty interested. I think Jack and Maddie have some similarities in their temperaments…. Maddie seriously will entertain herself for the longest time if I let her – but really sometimes I feel so guilty for letting her…I used to feel like I need to be constantly playing and interacting with her or I was being neglectful. But like you said I think it actually is really really good for her to be independent (at times) and see that I have other things that I am doing too.
Let me know what you think about the book when you read it! I’d love to hear what you think.