As I watched the first sunset of 2014 yesterday (it was gorgeous, by the way), I thought about Amelia. I felt guilty for being so happy since we left her last month.

It felt strange to see this old, burdened soul of mine free from her memories. It’s like I’m rediscovering me again and it’s the most breathtaking, beautiful view.

I don’t have to drive down the same freeway that I remember so vividly holding her in my arms in the backseat the day she came home from the hospital. I don’t have to sit on that very spot of our couch in that living room anymore where Jack met her at home. I don’t have to visit the same obgyn office or the same hospital and be flooded with memories of her. I don’t have to drive past the cemetery exit and feel guilty because I haven’t visited her in over a month.

I don’t have to. And it’s finally a relief.

As long as I was in that house, in that city, in that mindset, I was broken and grieved.

I love our new house, and I love our new city. I can feel her here too, but it’s different. Lighter. Calmer. Contained.

I see her in the warm sunsets at the beach. I feel her in the new baby kicking around in my belly. I felt her love all Christmas season long, celebrating right there with our family in spirit. It’s joyful and exciting and refreshing to see her this way, and I hope she feels the same about me.