Do you ever notice how hard it can be to just be happy with where your life is right now?
I’m always looking ahead to the next, big & exciting stage of my life. Maybe it’s because a lot of big & exciting things have happened to me in the past five years, and I’m just accustomed to planning for big & exciting events.
Let’s think about this. In the past five years: I backpacked through Europe. I met my best friend and married him. I picked a major. We both graduated from college. We had a baby. We moved to San Diego. Tyler started his first “real” job. We moved to San Jose. We rented a house with a yard and a garage. We had another baby.
That’s two major life events per year, each that have drastically shaped and changed my life. And now that I’ve got nothing to look forward to, it’s like I’ve got ants in my pants and can’t sit still. I am rarely satisfied with where I am, and I want to change that about myself. I feel like I can always, always find something wrong with my situation. “San Jose doesn’t have a zoo or anything to do. We can’t live here.” or “I am lonely because we don’t have two cars. We need another car.” I’m ridiculous and can’t be pleased and it has to stop now.
Today I’m dreaming of buying a house with Tyler in Walnut Creek and filling it with babies for him. Lots of babies. But just last week I was dreaming of a tiny apartment in the middle of San Francisco where Jack and I would cruise the streets by day with his stroller. I’m restless and just don’t know what’s next and it’s eating away at my sanity.
A big & exciting thing will happen, and it will happen soon. I’m sure of it. But I also have to realize that happiness is right here, right now. If I keep dreaming of the next big & exciting thing, I’m going to miss everything that makes my life so great right now. I have the most handsome, healthy, hard-working husband who comes home from work everyday and tells me he loves me with a big smooch on the lips. I have a healthy son who is one of the most well-behaved, sweetest little boys you’ve ever met, who has the biggest, genuine belly laugh you’ve ever heard. I’ve got the most caring, selfless friends who undoubtedly are tired of my saga by now, but continue to amaze me with their love and support. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life, and know with certainty what my little Amelia is doing in heaven and that I will see her again someday.
I feel like when I complain, I draw away from God. I am being ungrateful for so many blessings when I choose to be nit-picky and unhappy! I love what President Monson said in October 2008 (the whole talk is great, you should read it!):
“This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now.
…If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled will disappear all too soon and that you will—to your surprise—miss them profoundly.”
I’m really trying to internalize the blessings that I have, and be happy right here, right now, because I’m quickly realizing you don’t get do-overs. That’s a little intimidating and frightening to think about, but that’s what makes life great, right?