Have I mentioned the physical aftermath of losing a baby is a beast? No one prepared me for that, for the physical reminders of being babyless.
I was lucky to gain so little (10 pounds) and then lose it all within days of delivering Amelia, but I’ve still got angry red stretch marks. My stomach is still my-uterus-hasn’t-quite-shrunk-completely loose and flabby, like I’m hiding dozens of extra cookies down there. And yet no stranger will ever look at me with forgiving eyes, saying, “She still looks great for just having had a baby“. I’ll tell ya, it sucks.
And over two weeks later my boobs kept relentlessly producing milk as if I had a baby to feed. Don’t they know I buried her tiny body in the ground?!
My bleeding finally stopped just short of a week ago. So last Monday (two weeks post-delivery), with Jack in his footsie pajamas in the stroller, I ran a mile-and-a-half. And then I began to bleed again, another haunting reminder that yes indeed, I’m not quite physically healed.
But no one knows that but me. And I’ll tell ya, it sucks.
But I’ve been getting by.
And it’s that and nothing more; just barely getting by.
Some days I cry more than other days. Some days I just want to be alone, and some days I want to be surrounded by friends.
Some days I just want to eat, and some days I eat hardly anything. Some days I’m up for playing games with Jack on the ground, and some days I resort to turning on a movie for the two of us. Some days I just fall asleep on the couch altogether and hope for the best.
Sometimes, when Jack is asleep and the house is silent, I look at pictures of her. Tears roll down my cheeks, soaking my shirt, until I remember there’s a box of tissues behind the computer monitor. But the tissues, even the ultra-soft ones, don’t really soothe my soul.
I’m scared I’m beginning to forget. It’s been three weeks and it’s hard to truly remember the feel of her tiny body pressed against mine, or how her head rested perfectly in the palm of my hand. I cry because I know we’ll have more babies, but we won’t have another Amelia. And right now, all I want is Amelia.